That Still Doesn't Explain What's Wrong With "The Cream"...

... and there's a really inappropriate joke in there somewhere.

I don’t really have much to add to all that’s already been said and written on the Sheffield/Torre contretemps. Buster Olney sums it up for those of you with ESPN Insider. In short, looking back over Torre’s whole career, there seems to be little evidence to back up Sheffield's remarks. And as you'll no doubt have heard by now, Sheffield mentioned that Jeter had tried to defend Torre to him, but that's not relevant because Jeter "ain't all the way black." Nice. I have no trouble believing Torre plays favorites – and that Sheffield was not one of those favorites, which may be what he’s responding to -- but that's hardly the same thing.

From that same interview, another quote from Sheff, on why he’d never, ever take steroids:

"The bottom line is, steroids is something you stick in your butt - period."

So… I guess homophobia is good for something after all?

In other news:

--Anthony Rieber has a new Ask Anthony mailbag up on Newsday.com. You know, it's not nice to make fun of a 76-year-old woman... but it is, sometimes, called for.

--Speaking of Derek Jeter, on a lighter note (and via Gothamist), I’m just going to quote this entire item from the gossip pages of the Daily News:

“Derek Jeter had to step up his game over the All-Star break in San Francisco.

The Yankees captain seemed a little nonplussed that his pal Barry Bonds was more of a hit with the ladies at the 40/40 Club All Star Celebration. Bonds, who hosted the event, was besieged by female fans wanting photos and autographs.

"If this party was in New York, all the girls would be on my s—," Jeter wryly observed in front of a Gatecrasher pal.

Not to be outdone, our boy was spotted later chatting up two women and leaving the party with an attractive blond.”

Ah, homefield advantage.

Now, I’ve never been a Jeter groupie. Love watching the man play, but never had the big crush, even as an impressionable adolescent. And I admit that his club-hopping, starlet-a-night routine is finally starting to wear on me – not that I’d ever argue against a rich and famous athlete getting his god-given share of tail, but really, it has been twelve years now, and if he has other interests, he keeps them well hidden.

However, with that said: how on earth could any sentient straight woman not pick him over BARRY BONDS? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I don’t like to assist a guy with his cattle hormone injections on a first date. Certainly not without a really nice dinner first.

--On Saturday the Tampa Bay Devil Rays enjoyed a sellout crowd, according to the YES announcers. “Good for them,” I thought, until I heard the rest: it was only the sixth in their entire history.

--The Yankees are now one game over .500. I will skip the sarcastic celebratory remarks this time, but it is perhaps worth pointing out that they’re now just a win or two away from being on pace to match the final record of last year’s World Series Champions.

I dislike the Cardinals more and more with every passing day.

That's What SHE Said

The Yanks went down to the Chicago White Sox today when poor Matt DeSalvo was yanked before he could finish the second inning. Naturally, the one guy who actually reads is kicked back to Scranton. Turns out Crash Davis was right: Don't think, it can only hurt the ball club.

At least he's got Last Exit To Brooklyn for the ride back. Yep... that's gonna be a cheerful trip.

This weekend, the Yankees sandwiched promising wins over the Red Sox against a nuclear meltdown of a game on Saturday. I honestly have no idea what to expect from the Yanks this year; they could win 15-3 tomorrow or lose 22-0 and neither would surprise me. As a result, it's important to enjoy things like Sunday night's win: Bobby Abreu with a disastrous misplay and subsequent game-saving catch; sweet D from Melky; Posada with a nifty block of the plate (okay, lousy slide by Lugo, but still); A-Rod with the ninth-inning homer off Papelbon; Mariano with the emphatic save... it was a long, messy game, but that just made the ending more satisfying. Even Joe Morgan made some intelligent points. These are the moments we have to savor.

By the way, when the Yanks claimed that Clemens had a "fatigued groin"? Clemens just made that phrase up. I mean, do a Google search on fatigued groin and... well actually, no, don't. But the point is, there's no such diagnosis (stop snickering!). This invention of new terms for injuries seems to happen all the time in baseball, and everyone just nods and say "ah yes, a fatigued groin!" like it's an accepted medical condition; I guess the Yankees and Celemens don't want to admit they didn't know what was wrong (disrupted scar tissue, it turns out), but why not just say he's got a "sore inner thigh"? This is right up there with Carl Pavano's "bruised buttocks" in the Yankee annals of embarrassing injury phrasing.

Meanwhile, speaking of embarrassing, here's Gary Sheffield on Latin players, and -- as quoted in the new GQ -- tactful as always:

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... (It's about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do -- being able to control them. Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

Gary, I think Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, and the ghost of Roberto Clemente would like a word with you. Yeesh.

Of course, there are valid concerns about the way MLB teams now sign dirt-poor teenagers who speak no English, and whether they are always treated fairly (hint: no). But that's Sheff for you -- bring up a kernel of truth and obscure it with a pile of paranoia and ridiculous, offensive generalizations. I predict he will claim to have been misquoted by 6 pm. Also in that interview:

On carrying a gun (after taking one to school in eight and ninth grade): "It ain't changed because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them."

Oh, good!

I Do Believe in Fairies, I Do, I Do

George Steinbrenner believes in his GM, manager, and team. Well -- PR man Howard Rubenstein does, anyway, but I suppose that's a start.

The ESPN fellas took Steinbrenner's statement to mean that he wanted to see more "accountability" from the Yankees. But, really, Joe Torre has consistently taken responsibility for the team's record; Brian Cashman said that he should be blamed; and the players all insisted it was their fault. Accountability is basically the only thing this team does have right now. Pitching? No. Hitting? Not at the moment. But accountability, sure! I will try to take comfort in this thought until such time as the Yankees pass the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in the standings.

Meanwhile, while I think trading Gary Sheffield was a good move -- though given that Humberto Sanchez is out for the season, that may not have been the right trade -- I do miss him sometimes. Especially when reading stories like this one:

Sheffield homered off Cabrera moments after the pair had to be pulled apart, leading the Tigers to an 8-4 victory over the Baltimore Orioles on Monday night...

..."Danny was struggling with his control all night, but I guess they thought he was throwing at Sheff," Baltimore manager Sam Perlozzo said. "I have the utmost respect for Gary, and if I was going to pick someone to get angry, it wouldn't be him."

Heh.

Anyway, given the current state of the Yankees, I turned for wisdom and solace to fans of other suffering teams. The brilliant and deranged Washington Wizards site Wizznutzz posted this while their team was being destroyed by the combination of massive injuries and the Cleveland Cavaliers:

The team has all the momentum of a hippopotamus pregancy. They are like a dying tauntaun, we can just hope to climb into its warm carcass and wait out the endlessly bitter Hoth night!!!...

...Its not about dying with dignity.
In fact, the only thing we have left is the power of dying WITHOUT dignity.
Wiz goal should be to die the least dignified death ever died.
They need to lose these games so dreadfully, so painfully, and desperately, with moans and urine and loud cursing, so that Cleveland will turn their eyes away, and be filled with a deep guilt and species shame and be so sickened and horrified to see fellow ballers suffering so that it will snuff out all joy and competitive fire forever and cleveland will be forever stained and stumbling with the pointless, lost gait of a man who has seen another mans, and therefore all men's, ultimate ruin.

GO TEAM!!

They also quote T. S. Eliot and Hall & Oates. I love Wizznutzz.

"Humbert-Oh! Humbert-Oh!," For Example

Adios, Sheff. I already miss the dysfunction. Sheffield is 38 and coming off a rough wrist injury, but does anybody doubt he'll hit the crap out of the ball for Detroit next year? Still, there's nothing wrong with an outfield involving Damon/Matsui/Abreu/Melky, and the Yankees need young pitching more than anything. If just one of the three prospects they traded for ends up as a solid #2 or even #3 starting pitcher, this will have been another shrewd Cashman trade. Humberto Sanchez, Kevin Whelan and Anthony Claggett: good baseball names all. If Sanchez makes it, do we get to see the Post making Lolita puns on the back page? I can dream.

And I was about to post the following graph when I saw the news about Jaret Wright:

“And now, apparently, the Yanks are about to wash their hands of Jaret Wright. I’m torn about this: he was disappointing and often incredibly frustrating to watch, but he had these flashes of talent and grit that made me think he could be worth holding onto. And getting traded to a division rival is sort of insulting – not to mention possibly unwise, since Baltimore, though fairly miserable last year, has a ton of promising young pitchers and a solid offense. Depends on who they get for him, of course.”

The answer? Chris Britton, a young right-handed reliever with good but unspectacular stats last season, who looks… how to put this… like the love child of Sir Sidney Ponson and... oh, I don't know. He's portly, okay? But he was fairly effective last year, so I’ll reserve judgment. I know the Yanks made the deal because they would have had to buy out Wright’s $7 million contract for $4 million anyway just to release him, but poor Jaret Wright: he got traded to a division rival for a reliever. Ouch. Great deal for the Orioles, though.

Still no news on Matsuzaka, but rumors are flying – the Seibu Lions are taking their time announcing the winning bidder. Supposedly the Red Sox may have won out with a massive bid of around $38 million (again – that’s just to negotiate), but it's not confirmed. I wouldn't have been terribly worried about this yesterday, but today I saw that Baseball Prospectus attempted to translate his numbers from Japan, and concluded that he could produce stats in America similar to Roger Clemens, of all people. Oh, and also comparable? Roy Halladay, Brandon Webb, Chris Carpenter, Jason Schmidt, Josh Beckett, Pedro Martinez, Jake Peavy and Tim Hudson. Umm.... AIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

Finally, good luck to Bubba Crosby, who has signed with the Reds. He’s like David Eckstein... except he's a little taller... and can't hit. But, you know, otherwise. I'll always remember him for the great walk-off homer he hit against the Orioles down the stretch in 2005 -- you could see him struggling between sheer joy and utter disbelief all the way around the bases.

Oh -- and the Mets might name their new stadium “CitiField”?! Ugh! Don't do it, Wilpons. William Alfred Shea is turning in his grave.