Fear and Loathing in the Congressional Oversight Committee

There's been saturation coverage of the hearings all day, so I'll just summarize my reaction here real quick:

1. I believe Roger Clemens took steroids.

2. That said, good luck convicting him of perjury if your main witness for the prosecution is Brian McNamee.

3. By forcing the issue this far, Clemens put Andy Pettitte in a really terrible position. Which, to be honest, lowers my opinion of Clemens more than any amount of steroid use.

But hey, at least he's not a vegan.

4. Our elected representative are asses. Why on earth did even this spectacle have to split down party lines? We have a thrilling three-way bipartisan tie for the most staggeringly stupid thing said by a member of Congress today:

*Representative Clay, Democrat of Maryland, asking on behalf of a friend what hat Clemens would wear into the Hall of Fame. Points for ballsiness! Negative points for wild inappropriateness.

*Rep. David (R, VA) comparing the attacks on Clemens to "a lynching." No. No, no, no.

*Rep. Souder (R, IN) comparing the players' widespread silence on the steroid issue to the anti-snitching culture in Baltimore that got one family's house fatally firebombed recently. Again: no.

Nobody has died, people! Although I'm starting to consider it. I'm sick, it's raining, I'm stressed out, and I just watched the U.S. Government discuss abscesses and buttocks for a solid hour. Not even kitlers can cheer me up today.

I'll leave you with this quote, though, from the autobiography of the great Bill Veeck:

“Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that baseball is not a great game. It has to be a great game to have survived what we have done to it.”

Amen.

Also, Santa Claus Raped the Tooth Fairy While the Easter Bunny Watched and Laughed

You know, just when you think you're already disillusioned, that you can't really be unpleasantly surprised any more by the actions of public figures, let alone professional athletes... the world finds a way to prove you wrong.

St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel, who punctuated a storybook comeback from pitching woes by homering twice with 7 RBIs Thursday, joined the list of athletes linked to a Florida-based steroids investigation.

The New York Daily News reported Friday that Ankiel received a 12-month supply of human growth hormone in 2004 from a Florida pharmacy that was part of a national illegal prescription drug-distribution operation, citing records its reporters saw.

I should point out here that this story only alleges that Ankiel received HGH before 2005, which is when MLB officially, belatedly banned it, and that means it might have absolutely nothing to do with his current comeback. And you know what? That comeback is still remarkable, no matter what he might have taken. Nevertheless, once again I'm forced to remind myself that if a story seems too good to be true, that probably just means there's something going on that I don't know about.

To summarize:

• Athletes that are not abusing animals or drinking and driving are either using performance enhancing drugs, beating their wives, cheating on their taxes, or dumb as a sack of nails.

• Your elected representative is sleeping with either a hooker (Democrat) or underage male congressional page (Republican) while accepting thinly-disguised bribes.

• According to polls your significant other likely has cheated, is cheating, or will eventually cheat on you.

• Your dog only loves you because you feed it.

Have a great weekend!

Okay, okay. In other, less cynicism-inducing news (unless you're a fan of a small-market team, anyway), the Yankees won two of three from the Mariners and now lead the Wild Card by three games. That's not nothing, though whether it will be enough to survive a pitching rotation that includes two 21-year-old rookies and the remains of either an injured Roger Clemens or a free-falling Mike Mussina is still unclear. Personally, I think they're going to the playoffs; although a Yankee-hating friend of mine did paint a terrifyingly realistic portrait for me earlier today of a scenario in which they go through a 2-3 stretch, while Detroit wins five in a row, and are then eliminated from contention over the season's last three days by the Baltimore Orioles. Shudder.

Having swept the Braves over the past weekend, the Mets are in better shape, even though they did just blatantly doze through that last game against Cincinnati. They can afford to do that now, though -- all season the Mets' critics have said "oh, they think they can just turn it on whenever they have to"; but all season, the Mets have been able to turn it on whenever they had to. More power to 'em.

I feel bad about my earlier negativity and I'd like to leave this post on a more upbeat note, so please follow this link.

Or this one.