Try to Picture Derek Jeter Saying That...

I've got a Yankees recap and Carl Pavano column up on the Banter today... gotta run now, but a couple of quick notes:

-Interesting Endy Chavez interview in the Post. I knew he had a brother named Ender, but wasn’t aware of the sister, Eneidy. I suspect I would love Endy's parents. Chavez touches on a variety of subjects, including the time in Venezuela he nearly had to fight an aggressive fan and his love of the movie Happy Feet, but the money quote is on the Cardinals and last year's Game 7:

But you lost. Did the better team win?

Oh no. What we lacked was suerte, luck. We play better, have better defense, pitching. They just had one lucky bat. But our team is better. I mean we just swept them in their casa.

True enough, though somehow I don’t think the Cardinals will agree.

Meanwhile the quote of the season so far comes from Ichiro, on facing Daisuke Matsuzaka at Fenway today:

“I hope he arouses the fire that’s dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul.”

Well, damn. I hope so too!

Julio Franco is Getting Too Cold For This Shit

I have a new nemesis: Geoff Geary.

Who, you ask? I had never heard of this inoffensive Phillies reliever either, but he earned my undying wrath yesterday in the eighth inning of the Mets home opener: after three hours of shivering in the shaded Shea upper deck, four innings after I’d lost all feeling in my fingers and some of my toes, Geary agonized, fretted, contemplated, studied and pondered every goddamn pitch; it must have taken him fifteen minutes to walk Julio Franco on four pitches. Now, it’s a free country, and if you’ve really got your heart set on walking Julio Franco on four pitches, I’m not going to stop you. But in 35-degree weather, this is a task that can easily be accomplished in, say, two minutes. Have a little consideration, Geoff, you know? I will be following your career with schadenfreude.

So yeah, it was cold at Shea yesterday. But the Mets took their revenge on Geary (and the rest of the Philly bullpen, including former Yankee John Lieber, whose ERA is currently 27.00), and after all was said and done it was a fun come-from-behind opening day win. Mets fans are pumped this year. There were a couple of guys in full-on tights wearing capes that said "SuperMaine," which I hope catches on, because “Remember the Maine” is a bit esoteric, and also very difficult to dress up as. There were painted faces, and signs, and huge cheers for Howard Johnson and Jose Reyes and Endy “Death to Flying Things” Chavez and everyone, in fact, except Aaron Heilman (can’t say I really get that one). As Matthew Cerrone points out over at MetsBlog, there were a few issues at Shea, notably with the lines for the men’s room, which I gloated over all day, and the hot chocolate situation, which I did not find amusing at all.

I don’t honestly think Jimmy Rollins did anything wrong by saying the Phillies were the team to beat in the NL East, but what the hell, it’s always fun to get riled up for a rivalry. Because of that innoffensive little comment, Rollins will be booed at Shea for all eternity; he can switch teams, win the world series, cure cancer, marry David Wright in a civil union with a touching televised commitment ceremony, it doesn’t matter. He’ll be booed at Shea. Fortunately, it sounds like he’s having a good time with it.

In other news, Carlos Delgado reached first base in the second inning by bunting to third, thereby foiling the shift that the Phillies' defense always puts on him. (My friend was thrilled on behalf of his father, who, he said, has been advocating this for months and months). Delgado also had a nifty sideways slide later in the game that allowed him to just barely, by a fraction of a second, evade the catcher’s tag and beat the throw to home plate. It’s fun to watch smart people play baseball...

Because I Refuse to Use the Word "Fugly"

Okay, I went to the thesaurus. This was another unattractive, unsightly, hideous, unprepossessing, nasty, horrid, dreadful, unpleasant -- well, some of those seem a little harsh. Let’s go with another unsightly Yankee loss, thanks to another… unprepossessing start, this time from Darrell Rasner, who apparently developed a blister in the process. Get well soon, Chien-Ming!

River Ave. Blues points out that the Yankee starters have actually performed slightly worse thus far than the Washington Nationals rotation. Fantastic.

If you're one of those irritating optimist types, note that A-Rod continues to destroy the ball, Cano's picking up where he left off, Andy Pettitte graciously pitched a scoreless inning on his throw day to ease the bullpen's burden -- and said bullpen, despite massive overuse, has been mostly lights-out.

Meanwhile, Hideki Matsui’s hamstring has landed him on the DL. This is, obviously, bad, but with him and Damon both shaky, they need the roster spot for another outfielder. Kevin Thompson has been called up from AAA, and I’m actually kind of optimistic about him: he had a solid spring training, plays the outfield well, and has some patience at the plate. I’m not suggesting he’ll ever come anywhere remotely near Matsui’s offensive value, but I can see him filling in decently (read: better than Miguel Cairo!) for a few weeks. Plus, from what I saw in Tampa this spring, he seemed like an incredibly nice, friendly, outgoing guy -- and while sadly these qualities are unrelated to baseball talent, he's fun to root for. If he somehow manages to get himself on a few YES post-game interviews, I bet he’ll be a hit with fans.

Speaking of lovable outfielders, where’s Bernie? Why, jamming with the Allman Brothers, of course. (Link via LoHud).

Meanwhile, the weather continues to mock Al Gore. I actually get a kick out of watching it snow during a baseball game – it’s charmingly incongruous. However, I expect to find it less charming in person tomorrow at Shea Stadium, where I will contract hypothermia and frostbite as the Mets take on the Phillies. They lost to the Braves today (El Duque pitched another gorgeous game; the usually reliable Aaron Heilman lost the lead in the 8th), but a couple of wins against Philly and they're right back on track, and I bet they’ll get a boost from the home opener crowd. Should be a fun game. And hey, it’s not like I was using ALL my fingers, anyway...

M-V-P! M-V-... What? Too early?

Now that’s what I call a statement.

It was a perfectly scripted ending to a game that was otherwise, well... look, it’s only the fourth game of the season, and yet already I’m running out of synonyms for “ugly.” That can’t be a good sign. Kei Igawa, in an apparent effort to fit in with his new teammates, joined the Yankees’ other starters in pitching ineffectively, with another healthy assist from inexplicably awkward defensive plays. (No one expected the Yanks’ fielding to be sparkling this year, but I don’t think “more or less adequate” is out of reach. What’s going on?). Never thought I’d say this, but the Yankees best starter thus far has probably been Carl Pavano. Eeep.

Of course, not that you need me to say this, it has only been four games. And the end justified the means in this case, because no matter what you think of A-Rod, Sox fans exempted, you had to smile at his relieved, elated grin as he skipped towards home (and nearly catapulted Larry Bowa into the stands with an enthusiastic, drive-by double high five).

“It felt awesome,” Rodriguez said of his trip around the bases, which he earned after belting a game-winning grand slam that capped an improbable 10-7 victory against the Baltimore Orioles at Yankee Stadium. “I was so excited. I felt foolish running around the bases like it was Little League. I just remember I almost knocked Bowa over at third. I saw the fans kind of rocking behind him. It was kind of cool.”

It was.

Before A-Rod’s redemption – for this week, anyway - Hideki Matsui left the game with an (apparently) slight hamstring strain. Yankee outfielder are having a rough few years, aren’t they? If Damon's still a bit tentative, they may need to get Kevin Thompson up from AAA, because a few innings of Miguel Cairo roaming the outfield go a long way. More on Thompson another time...

The Mets are mortal too, it turns out, and lost to the Braves 5-3: Tom Glavine didn't pitch all that badly, but was hurt by a couple of poorly-timed errors (say… that sounds familiar), and outdueled by his buddy John Smoltz. The Mets had their chances – they left 13 runners on base – but never quite got the rally going.

Personally I’m looking forward to watching El Duque toy with the Braves hitters tomorrow, but the more telling games will be John Maine and Oliver Perez’s next few turns through the rotation.

Also, Mets fans, Orioles starter Steve Trachsel started against the Yanks and actually looked sort of... well... I don't know, kind of good-ish. But I'm not buying it. The YES announcers were all over his 15 wins last year, but as Mets fans should recall, he had piles and piles of run support. He swam and frolicked in run support like Scrooge McDuck in his gold. He did make 30 starts, but averaged 5.46 innings per, while striking out 79 and walking 78, with an ERA just shy of 5 -- in addition to moving at the speed of a club-footed tortoise between pitches. I suppose aging a year and switching from the NL to the Al East could improve him... and if that sounds probable to you, I'd be happy to enter into a friendly little wager on it.

Nicely Played, Theo

Bleargh. Not exactlyan enthralling game tonight, with neither side pitching particularly well -- but the Devil Rays got a nice boost from the Yankees' three errors (for six in two games), and won 7-6. Jorge Posada looked awful behind the plate, with lots of strange missed signs and passed balls. Poor Andy Pettitte seems to have traded defense for run support

Of course, it was also in the 20s tonight, which probably had something to do with it; I could barely feel my hands after walking the dog. At one point Robinson Cano held his glove in his mouth between pitches so that he could get both hands warmed in his pockets. I don't imagine that growing up in the DR would really prepare you for this. Also, Johnny Damon may end up on the DL, for the first time in his career, with his calf strain, but as he told reporters (including the Star-Ledger's Lisa Kennelly): "I still have sexy calves." Yep, those are big shoes to fill, Melky.

I was sort of surprised to realize this week that the Devil Rays are officially no longer a joke; they're really just a couple of good relievers and one decent starter away from being, in fact, good, though their owner is apparently too cheap to bother. Good thing we now have the Washington Nationals to mock as a replacement.

Meanwhile, as you will no doubt have heard by now, Daisuke Matsuzaka (or, as one of the Royals' broadcasters called him, "Daisuke Matsui") looked as good as advertized. Seven innings, one run, ten strikeouts for the Red Sox, and he's fun to watch while he's at it.

On the one hand, it's the Royals; but on the other, it's only his first major league start. Wasn't there supposed to be some sort of adjustment period? He's not actually going to get better, is he? It's far too early to panic, but I don't think it's too early to be... let's say, mildly concerned.

Rainy Day Baseballs #12 & 35

It was a less cheery day for the Yankees, as Andy Pettitte’s homecoming was rained out, George Steinbrenner didn’t invite soon-to-be-ex-son in law and heir apparent Steve Swindal to the annual Welcome Home dinner, and Johnny Damon’s calf turns out to be strained (or something) rather than just cramped. And you were worried about Melky getting enough playing time.

This is when you’d like to be carrying a fifth outfielder, because if anything else goes wrong, we’re looking at Miguel Cairo out there, and… no. Just no.

Finally, I’m more psyched than I’d care to admit for Daisuke Matsuzaka’s first MLB start tomorrow. I just love the fact that there are currently about 200 Japanese reporters camped out somewhere in Kansas City. And I don’t know if anyone could live up to the hype Matsuzaka’s been subjected to, but I’m certainly looking forward to seeing him air out some of those eight different types of pitches in a game that counts. Anyway, I expect him to look good tomorrow, but keep in mind that this IS the Royals.

Over/under on the number of Royals who will claim to have seen the elusive gyroball, only to have Matsuzaka later deny throwing it: three.

Get Metsmerized

Yeah, yeah, it’s only three games... but the Mets look fan-fucking-tastic so far. Glavine and El Duque were excellent, but John Maine today was even better: 7 innings, one hit, no runs; he was only in any kind of trouble for about five minutes in the fifth. This is kind of a bittersweet series for Mets fans, because on the one hand, they swept their rivals and that’s great, but on the other… how the hell did they lose the NLCS to these guys? The mlb.com recap headline was "Cards Bats Holding Them Back." I mean, maybe so, but only with plenty of help from their pitching and defense.

I know Tony La Russa is supposed to be a genius and all, but I thought he made some questionable moves: he left reliever Russ Springer, now the proud owner of a 40.5 ERA, on the mound way too long; and he somehow concluded that Preston Wilson was in any way qualified to either bat second or play the outfield (one ball was lost in the lights, which can happen to anyone, but the error on Julio Franco’s fly ball to right was just gruesome).

By the way, Julio Franco is now the oldest player ever to reach second base thanks to a fielding error by Preston Wilson. Well, probably. I think I'm going to make that a weekly feature: "Julio Franco is now the oldest player ever to..."

Erratic flamethrower Ambiorix Burgos had a blissfully stress-free debut, entering with a 10-run lead, and looked great, but I still have a lot of reservations about him. Anyone who's compared to Armando Benitez this often has got to give you pause. Aaron Sele pitched well tonight too, striking out Albert "Tom Glavine wasn't that good" Pujols with a curveball.

Also: in the sixth inning tonight Keith Hernandez referred to a John Maine slider as a “slid-oobie.”

Saint Eeephus Rides Again

It was a good night for El Duque, the patron saint of this blog (being one of the only current major leaguers who'll actually throw an occasional eephus). He went seven innings, throwing a cornucopia of pitches from all arm angles and occasionally, as catcher Paul Lo Duca put it after the game, “inventing stuff out there.” And as if that weren’t enough, he went two for three at the plate, doubling in two runs.

The big question with Hernandez (other than “but seriously, how old IS this guy”?) is always whether he’ll stay healthy, not how well he'll do when he is. But the Mets are starting out with a bang, proving yet again the utter irrelevancy of spring training records. In two games they’ve scored 10 runs, allowed two, and turned seven double plays, all against the team they lost an excruciating Game 7 to last fall.

Continuing the exorcise-the-demons theme, tomorrow they face former deeply ineffective Mets closer Braden Looper, who is now suddenly a starter. Converting Looper seems like a bad idea to me, if only because it implies a kind of scrambling desperation, and April’s a bit early for that… but then again, you know if I trash the idea at any length he’ll come out and throw a one-hitter. Worked for Gil Meche, didn’t it?

And Just in Time for Passover

I've got a post on Bronx Banter today, but here's a few additional comments on opening day, before round two of Mets-Cardinals tonight:

-I think we were all ready for Pavano to either collapse in pieces, perhaps literally, or stage a triumphant and inspiring comeback. Instead, he was just… well… okay. Not bad. Meh. Of course, that in itself represents progress. The jury’s still out, especially since the Yankees helpfully made three ugly errors behind him. It’ll take at least three or four more starts before I give up on him for the 11th time.

-There’ve been a lot of stories recently about how Andy Pettitte is befriending Pavano, his new neighbor in the locker room. This is clearly part of the Pavano media rehab initiative, the idea being “hey, if Andy likes him… how bad can he be?” Not a bad strategy, I've gotta say.

-I only discovered yesterday that Doug Mientkiewicz is nicknamed Manischewitz. A quick Google search reveals that this one has been around for a while, but I don’t think I’d ever heard it before, and while it doesn’t make any sense -- other than phonetically -- I think it'll stick. My only worry is that, if he hits extremely poorly, people will think I’m being anti-semetic.

- I watched the Twins-Orioles game last night, and was reminded that Santana hasn’t lost a game at home in TWO YEARS. And yes, I know wins aren’t an accurate measure of how a player performed on a given day… but fuck it, that’s insane. Also, I learned from the announcers (Yes - learned something! From ESPN announcers! I know!) that the Astros used to have Santana in their farm system, and let him go in the Rule V draft. Can you imagine being the person in the Astros organization responsible for that decision? I would never sleep again. Sorry -- I know this is a bit off-topic, but when I watch Santana pitch, I’m like a small child fixated on a shiny object. I wanted him on my salary cap fantasy team so badly that I spent a third of my budget on him, and was left with only $600,000 for Bubba Crosby as my DH.

Finally: everything was going well yesterday -- until I saw this story. Now, I know this is truly nothing but idle speculation. But. Donald Trump… owning the Yankees? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Finally!: Mets 6, Cardinals 1

Opening day seemed to take longer than usual to arrive this year, didn't it? One game into the season, and I feel better already.

I don’t know if this was really a big win for the Mets’ mental state, but it was certainly key for the health and well-being of their fans. This was more or less how everything was supposed to work out last fall, before Jeffs Weaver and Suppan were body-snatched and replaced by more talented alien look-alikes. Tom Glavine was eminently ace-like, again, for the win (291 down); the Mets' offense bludgeoned forme Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter; and the defense was excellent all around, with Jose Valentin and Reyes repeatedly saving the day. The game was more fraught than the final score indicates, though with a number of near-rallies -- but, fortunately for the Mets, also a number of double plays.

It should probably be noted that this Cards team featured Preston Wilson batting second (why?) and Yadier bleeping Molina batting fifth (WHY?! OBP last year:.274! SLG: .321!). However, in the interests of extending spring optimism, I see no need to dwell on that information.

Of course, like the man says, every rose has its thorn, and if you want to watch baseball you must accept the ESPN commentators that come with it. "You know I don't get carried away with statistics," dr awled Joe Morgan early in the game, when he and partner Jon Miller failed to comprehend a chart involving that most cutting-edge and complex of stats, the walk. We know, Joe, we know. On the plus side, Joe and I agree on something for the first time in quite a while, namely, Jose Reyes’ awesomeness.

Tomorrow I’m heading up to Yankee Stadium for the Bronx home opener. I’ll post in the evening when I get home... unless, of course, I’m delayed by Pavano-inspired mob violence.

La Plus Ca Change, etc

I came across the John Updike piece "Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu," about Ted Williams' last game at Fenway, a few years ago (in "Baseball: A Literary Anthology," I think), and recently stumbled onto it again online. Aside from what an amazing piece of writing it is, I was struck by his depiction of the relationship between Williams and the media. Updike quotes "a fair sample of appreciative sports-page prose" from the Boston American's Huck Finnegan:

"Williams' career, in contrast [to Babe Ruth's], has been a series of failures except for his averages. He flopped in the only World Series he ever played in (1946) when he batted only .200. He flopped in the playoff game with Cleveland in 1948. He flopped in the final game of the 1949 season with the pennant hinging on the outcome (Yanks 5, Sox 3). He flopped in 1950 when he returned to the lineup after a two-month absence and ruined the morale of a club that seemed pennant-bound under Steve O'Neill. It has always been Williams' records first, the team second, and the Sox non-winning record is proof enough of that."

I should add that Finnegan, clearly the Dan Shaughnessy of his day, published that on the day of Williams' last game. Anyway, I'm sure I don't have to spell it out for you: sounds familiar, doesn't it? Mainstream sports writing doesn't seem to have changed all that much since 1960. Although God only knows what Huck Finnegan would have made of WARP.

Best line in the whole terrific Updike piece, though, is on Williams' refusal to so much as tip his cap to the pleading fans, after hitting a home run in his last-ever at-bat: "The papers said that the other players, and even the umpires on the field, begged him to come out and acknowledge us in some way, but he refused. Gods do not answer letters."

Okay, Who Kept The Billy Goat Out Of Legends Field?

So. Not only is Carl Pavano lined up to be the opening day starter (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, accep-... acc-... nope, not there yet), but Jeff Karstens, winner of the fifth starter derby, is now sidelined with elbow stiffness. "Elbow stiffness" is one of those phrases that could mean either three days or six months, so it's still unclear how big of a freakout this calls for. But I'm ready for anything.

The swarms of bees that keep descending on the Yanks this spring are starting to seem biblical, aren't they? Next up: the Gatorade cooler runs red with blood.

Anyway, Darrell Rasner it is. In fact, last summer I remember thinking that Rasner had been more impressive than Karstens in his major league starts; but, looking back, a lot of that was probably related to the fact that Karstens looked 14 then (he looks at least 16 this year). I'll check their stats tomorrow.

Over in Port St. Lucie, the Mets surprised fans who don't have access to the internet, newspapers, or television by naming the deserving Mike Pelfrey their fifth starter. Chan Ho Park is apparently headed to the bullpen, but not without considerable grumbling.

And in fluffier news, an informal poll of Mets reveals that the players consider Carlos Beltran the teammate most likely to spend over two grand on a suit, Paul Lo Duca the most likely to talk trash to opposing fans, and Aaron Heilman the best-read. Are you ready for the season to start yet?

No, No, That's A Typo. You Meant P-A-V-A-N-O, Not W-A-N-G.

Well, that didn't take long... the Yanks sustained their first major injury yesterday as Chien-Ming Wang pulled a hammy. I know I said I wanted to see Jeff Karstens on the major league roster, but this isn't what I had in mind.

Because of all the April off-days, though, the Yankees will only need their fifth starter once or twice before Wang gets back. In the scheme of things this isn't too big a deal, assuming that everything heals right (not always a given with a hamstring - remember Cano last year?). And true, Mussina didn't look very good in his start today... but just keep chanting "it's only spring training" over and over again, until you feel calm and centered.

In other news, Brian Bruney and Kyle Farnsworth have shaved their heads. Can't hurt, I suppose.

Over in Port St. Lucie, Chan Ho Park threw three sharp innings today for the Mets today -- but was pulled before the fourth, which can't be a good sign. The Mets are apparently saying there's no injury, so what's going on? Guess we'll find out later. On the bright side, Joe Smith was very impressive, again, coming on in relief.

Random fact of the day: apparently, the Kansas City Royals have a prized pitching prospect named Billy Buckner. Awesome. What could possibly go wrong?

Gooooooooooooooooood Afternooooon, Everybody

Well, I've healed the only way I know how: drinking heavily by night, and, during the day, sitting around in my pajamas with my dog, listening to depressing indie music, and watching "Mike and the Mad Dog" all afternoon. (Oddly, the shriller Dog gets, the more soothing I find the show).

So, back to baseball. I'm getting so sick of saying, thinking, hearing, and writing "it's only spring training" that you can tell this last week is going to be a long one, but the monotony was broken up today when Carl Pavano pitched solidly... and narrowly avoided being attacked by a swarm of bees. No, really.

Meanwhile, Aaron Sele had a solid outing for the Mets. I'm rooting for him to make the team because he seems like an awfully nice guy, but I can't honestly say I think he'd be better than Mike Pelfrey. Solid long reliever though, maybe? And Billy Wagner got seriously lit up, but hey, don't worry, Mets fans: Armando Benitez may be available on the trade market! If Steve Phillips were still around, he'd know what to do about it...


Finally, as of last week, when I first discovered his existence, I've got a new favorite player: Denard Span, of the Twins. No relation, as far as I know; but I've never met or even heard of another Span outside of my immediate family, so I'm adopting him. This is all I've been able to find out so far: he's from Tampa, 23 years old and incredibly fast, apparently a very good fielder but without much of an arm, and... well, maybe hitting isn't his strong suite, but did I mention how fast he is? He'll be starting at AAA, but I was stung to find BP's PECOTA system projecting him Denard to hit .281/.330/.382 this season, with a VORP of -.7. I'm taking this as a personal affront. Mark my words: he's gonna prove everybody wrong! I'm so sure of this that if he doesn't end up with a positive Value Over Replacement Player by the end of the season, I'll change my name to Denard.*

You know, I really like the Twins in general: I adore Torii Hunter even though intellectually I realize he's been overrated much of his career, I'm pretty sure that Johan Santana is a god, the name Boof Bonser makes me smile... I could go on. So it pains me to see that they still seem to be seriously considering Sidney Ponson for a starting job. I know pitching is scare these days, but for pity's sake... do you have no one at AAA? Can't we all try to at least maintain a little dignity?


*Probably not really.

Spoke Too Soon...

Well, looks like a lifetime of sports fandom has taught me nothing: I jinxed myself. Yes, my first-ever conversation with the Village Voice's brand new editor was my last, as it looks like they'll be ditching the sports section -- or, at least, me.

So "Out of Left Field" lived fast, died young, and left a decent-looking corpse. But I'm bringing Eephus Pitch back from the dead. It will rise from the ashes like a phoenix... a New York baseball-obsessed phoenix. I promise my metaphors will be better in the morning.

I'm still recovering from an epic night of drowning my sorrows, so I'll be back for real tomorrow. But in the meantime I'll leave you with some applicable sports cliches that occurred to me last night, somewhere between the wine and the shots of Jameson (not my idea):

• "It's a marathon, not a sprint."

• "I've just got to stay within myself." Never was entirely sure what that one meant, but if it's good enough for Bernie, it's good enough for me.

• "It is what it is." Isn't it? This is the sports phrase of the year. Five words that fit any occasion!

As you can imagine, there are a lot of other things I'd like to say about the situation at the Voice. But for now, I guess discretion is the better part of valor. I'll save it for the nice men in white coats when they visit my cozy padded cell.

Meanwhile, Oliver Perez is having another very good start for the Mets, allowing (as of this writing) no runs on two hits through three. The Yankees are off tonight, and so am I.

Good Night Sweet Blog

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

As you've probably noticed, Eephus Pitch has been dying a slow death for a while now. Writing for the Voice full time made it tough to keep up, but I just started a sports blog for their website... and that's made it redundant. See for yourself:

http://www.villagevoice.com/blogs/outofleftfield/

To everyone who read this site, thank you. I've loved hearing from you and I hope you'll follow me over there -- yes, all 8 of you. The blog is going to cover all sports, but the main emphasis this summer will be baseball, because, well, that's my thing. I'm in Port St. Lucie for the Mets' spring training right now, and I'm heading over to the Yankees this weekend.

So stop by, check it out, tell your friends, and leave some comments, because it's a little empty over there. And of course you should still feel free to email me (ekspan [at] gmail [dot] com). I'm going to leave this site up -- who knows, I may want to bring it back someday. But for now, please turn off the lights on your way out... and thanks again.

Emma

Game Over Man, Game Over!

As some of you may know, Johnny Damon started an organization called the Professional Baseball Gaming League, or PBGL, of which he is Commissioner. (Typing that just made me fantasize about a world in which Damon is the actual Commissioner of Baseball; god that would be beautiful).

He recently lost a big match to Snoop Dogg, but there’s no shame in that -- it’s an honor to lose a video game contest to Snoop. Much more alarming, however, is his first-round loss, in the first-ever PBGL finals, to Prince Fielder. Oh, Johnny. You're so much better than that. The best part of the article, however, concerns Seth McClung, who got up hours early to practice, and did not take his ensuing loss at all well:

“…McClung seemed surprised and disappointed when he found that collisions had become a necessary part of the race strategy for the finals -- that he couldn't just fly through his opponent, like in the regular season…

…McClung was not a happy camper after he found himself eliminated.

‘You changed the rules,’ he said to one official. ‘Most of the points I lost, I felt there was a lot of contact. I can honestly say I'm disappointed. I'm upset.’”

I should probably point out here that McClung lost this video game contest to Steve Robison, an injured war veteran who lost most of his left leg in Iraq, and was playing as a representative of Damon's Wounded Warriors charity.

Man -- you do not want to umpire a Devil Rays game this season.

In other, actually more disturbing baseball gaming news (via Baseball Musings), Curt Schilling plays EverQuest.

“'People would find it unbelievable how much I play EverQuest when I travel,’ Schilling says as he works his way through his umpteenth dungeon in EQ2."

Nope... can't say I saw that one coming.

Say what you want about Schilling (and his recent political musings), but hey, at least he’s not spouting the same old ESPN-speak, and he’s not what you'd expect from a big power pitcher: I will bet any amount of money that Roger Clemens does not play EverQuest. And I’m pretty sure if you asked Nolan Ryan about it -- once you explained to him what it was – he would punch you in the face. Anyway, Schilling prefers to remain anonymous online:

“We can’t give away the details, but rest assured, he doesn’t play a female. In fact, Schilling said he never considered playing as a female character. "Never," he says. "The Lord made me the way he made me, and I’m OK with that."

Huh. Does this mean I violated God’s plan by playing MVP Baseball? Whoops.

Are You Sure That's What They Were Saying? Perhaps It Was Loud In There

Gary Sheffield's new book -- the existence of which was first reported way back when by Yanksfan vs. Soxfan, I believe -- sounds like just what you'd expect: some whining, a little Bonds dirt, but nothing particularly controversial. Sheffield just seems to be one of those guys who likes to use perceived slights and offenses as motivation:

Sheffield called Manager Joe Torre “an enigma” and recalled how, in 2004, his first season with the Yankees, he grew infuriated that Torre had said he wished the team had signed the slugger Vladimir Guerrero.

During a meeting in Torre’s office before a May game in Baltimore, Sheffield told him: “I’m tired of hearing you talk about how much you love Guerrero. That disrespects me.”

It's with issues just like this, though, that Torre is a true managerial genius:

The next season, Sheffield recounted, he and Torre had an argument in St. Louis the day after Torre called him out during a team meeting for his uneven defensive play.

Sheffield said they quickly patched things up once Torre explained how he viewed him as a team leader and as someone who could handle the pressure.

Nicely played, Joe.

In semi-related news, is the Yanks' payroll really only -- er, "only" -- 167 million now? That's the number they cite in a USA Today story on the off season's "most puzzling moves" (link courtesy of BB). The story itself doesn't seem very knowledgeable (ignoring obvious answers and quoting, shudder, Jay Mariotti), but it does have some interesting quotes from the GMs. Brian Cashman is honest about Johnson's unhappiness with the Yanks:

"I didn't see him smile the whole time here. But he looked like a whole different person in that (Diamondbacks) press conference."

Also, here's Royals GM Dayton Moore on the now-infamous $55 million Gil Meche deal:

"We have 25 guys in that clubhouse, and all we heard was, 'Go get Gil Meche.'"

Really? You heard that from every guy on your roster? Who the hell is on that team? I'm guessing none of them are in a fantasy league. Also, is it really wise for anyone to be taking career advice from the Kansas City Royals at this point?

I got all excited when I thought of nicknaming their new pitcher Gilgamesh, but, of course, others had the same idea before me. But I hadn't realized that Gil Gamesh is also a fictional starting pitcher in Philip Roth's "The Great American Novel." Huh. I'll be ordering that one from Amazon...

I'm Not Here To Talk About The Past... Well, Maybe Just A Little

So I never commented on the Mark McGwire Hall of Fame issue. Simple reason: I honestly don't know if he should be in or not. It's unfair to single him out when so many other juicers will get away with it, and he had a huge impact on the game; but it's also wrong to put him in at the expense of clean players, and without some sort of asterisk. The truth is, I think the Steroid Era may mark the end of the Hall of Fame as a relevant institution... to the extent that it ever was relevant, anyway.

As for Barry Bonds, I am utterly unsurprised that he tested positive for amphetamines last year (whether or not he also tried to blame it on a teammate is less clear). As far as I can tell, greenies were basically like aspirin for players throughout the 20th century; I don't think this even cracks the top ten list of off-putting, criminal things Bonds has done. I am curious to see, however, whether the Giants seize this deus-ex-machina of an opportunity to get out of their terrible tentative contract with him for next year. For just $16 million, an expensive lounge chair, and an entourage of 20 hangers-on, you too can procure the services of a gimpy, angry, juiced-up sleazeball! Man, if I were a Giants fan, I'd be beside myself.

I'm even more curious to know who leaked the test results. Someone at the Giants, hoping to do just what I suggested? Someone at Major League Baseball trying to drag Bonds into retirement? Or some lab technician or official who doesn't want to see Aaron's record go down? I will say this: I always thought the guy was just paranoid, but it turns out Bonds does have a lot of enemies.

Meanwhile, all's quiet on the New York baseball front. The Yankees signed Jeff Nelson to a minor-league deal, but only so that he could retire as a Yankee. That's actually kind of touching, and surprising, because Nelson seemed like a rather irritable guy in his time here -- I remember a lot of complaining and grousing about various managerial decisions. I never found him very likable; maybe his creepy mustache just rubbed me the wrong way. On the other hand, I also remember a lot of exceedingly competent late-inning pitching. The Yankees still haven't found a duo to set up Mo as reliable as Mike Stanton and Nelson were during those years. Their talent was certainly recognized at the time but, looking back, maybe under-appreciated.

Finally, on a genuinely serious note, I'll join the many thousands of people who are keeping Bobby Murcer in their thoughts.

Ad Age

I forgot to mention in the last post -- I have a story in the Voice this week on the Jets, the Giants, and my continuing inability to get interested in football. And, speaking of plugs...

One interesting note on the NFL: on his blog (link via Deadspin), Mike Harding tallied up the ad time for the Chiefs/Colts game last weekend and finds that the program featured 86 minutes of content, and 80 MINUTES OF ADS... and that's not counting plugs and product placement.

There were 80 minutes of dedicated ad time in the programming, amounting to 48% ad time and 86 minutes of content accounting for the other 52% of programming. Within the 86 minutes of content time, there were 218 plugs (142 of which were “fast plugs”) - or a plug every 22 seconds. This is exclusive of the scoreboard crawler/ticker which was nearly continuously displayed with NBC and NFL logos.

Even backing out the fast plugs, the NBC logo with accompanying sound at the start and finish of each replay, there were 76 “regular” plugs in the 86 minute content time meaning there was a plug every 68 seconds. A total of 63 distinct advertisers paid for the ads, plugs, and fast plugs in this 166 minutes. Now wonder my brain was jello by the time this broadcast was completed.

I'm not sure I would have counted the "fast plugs" -- the mere appearance of the NBC logo. Nevertheless, that's a truly staggering figure.

When the season starts, I'll definitely have to measure the percentage of ad time in the average baseball game -- I'm sure it's high, but I'd bet not quite at the NFL level. Isn't it only a matter of time, though? What would you estimate? And at what point, if any, will you stop watching?

Kei Sera Sera

Kei Igawa was officially introduced to the media yesterday. Given that the Yanks bid significant cash for his rights, it's sort of amazing how low everyone's expectations are; they HOPE he can be a #5 starter? His stats in Japan were very solid, though, and he's beginning to seem like an interesting guy. Check out this interview in Sports Illustrated: at first he seems, like a True Yankee (TM), single-mindedly determined to avoid any kind of controversy whatsoever:

SI: Hideki Matsui is nicknamed Godzilla. What's your favorite Japanese film monster?
Igawa: I have none.

...SI: The Boston Red Sox made a Mechagodzilla-sized splash this offseason by bidding more than $51 million for the rights to Japanese ace Daisuke Matsuzaka and signing him to a $52 million, six-year contract. Did the hard-line shenanigans of his agent, Scott Boras, hurt Matsuzaka's image in Japan?
Igawa: I have no idea. Please ask Daisuke directly

...SI: Who's your favorite American ballplayer?
Igawa: I have a tremendous respect for all big leaguers. I do not have a particular favorite.

At this point, I felt terrible for the poor interviewer; Randy "Sunshine" Johnson was starting to look voluble in comparison. But then Igawa gets a little offbeat:

SI: How about a personal hero?
Igawa: The goalkeeper for Belgium's national soccer team.

SI: And your favorite historic figure?
Igawa: Mitsukuni Tokugawa, a feudal ruler known for his political influence in the early Edo Period.

The goalkeeper for Belgium's national soccer team? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a pulse! He goes on to say that he spent his first paycheck in Japan on candy, and that he has lost his wallet four times but always had it returned to him (the odds of this happening in New York are... slim). Also, his motto? "Quest."

We also have (from NYYFans.com, link via the excellent comments at Bronx Banter) this list of facts about Igawa, translated from the Japanese. I have no idea how reliable this info is -- either on the original site, or in translation. But we can only pray that some of these, at least, are true:

9.Really wanted to go home to watch “Pride GP” (Note: A Martial art fighting contest) and hence accelerated his pace of pitching.

17.Still a virgin when he turned pro. Manager Nomura ordered him to lose it.

21.When lived in “Village of Tiger Blow” (Dorm for new players and rookies), the dorm supervisor shouted “Go out and have some life!” at him for he always spends all day in his room playing remote control model car. So he started to play remote control HELICOPTER instead.

23.When he was forced to move out of the dorm, he asked his team if he could live in a trailer house in Koshien Stadium’s (home court) parking lot. Of course team rejected that.

27. Didn’t really care about the division title and go back to the dorm to take a nap before the game they clinched. He was called to the field when the team was about to win.

68. Feel ashamed about his large appetite. Eat sukiyaki by facing the wall to feel better.

99. Camp in line to buy DQ8 (a video game) at seven in the morning. Left his contract negotiation to his agent.

Yeah... #27 might not go over too well here. And... "Village of Tiger Blow?" In general, though, I like that he sounds like such a dork. Should be interesting to watch his dynamic with Matsui, who appears to have a very different sort of personality.

This one just confuses me:

31. Not intend to join the division title beer shower. Tried to be unnoticed in the corner of the locker room and happily distributed the beers to all his teammates. Unfortunately he finally got his teammates’ attention and instantly got knocked out by the beer shower. Scheduled appointments for following days were all cancelled because of that. (Note: Igawa is probably the most vulnerable player to alcoholic beverage in the world.)

Are they saying that just being sprayed with beer was enough to incapacitate him for days? Is that even physiologically possible? If some fan in Oakland throws their beer on him, is he going to get drunk?

This could be an interesting year.

May Auld Acquaintance Be Traded For Mid-Level Prospects

Happy New Year, kids.

The Randy Johnson deal is almost complete, as the D-backs have agreed in principle to an extension. I'm still all for this (age, back -- they can't all be Roger Clemenses... er... Clemensi?). But, that said, there's no need to trash the Unit on his way out the door: he was often ineffective, but he gave full effort every grumpy inch of the way, and pitched through a lot of pain. Balky back and all, he gave the Yanks a heaping pile of innings over the last two years, even if they came with a generous side order of home runs. He also handled his indirect trade request with some class; he never demanded a move, just let Cashman know that he'd accept one if it made sense for the team. Well played.

Furthermore, the Doug Mientkiewicz signing is apparently imminent. I know a lot of people who are not going to take this well, but I've gotta say, I'm not against it -- it sounds like a one-year deal, not all that expensive; this is just a stop-gap until they can trade for or sign someone better. Hitting in a platoon might help both him and Andy Phillips (or Josh Phelps; I'm just going to refer to them both as Andy Phelps until one of them's named the starter), and I think the team's got enough offense to carry them, even if first base is the last place you want a slugging void.

Sounds like he may be a bit of a hothead; when he played for the Mets, he left town in a huff and feuding with management over his playing time. Metstrodamus (link via MetsBlog) has a fun collection of quotes from his time at Shea. My personal favorite:

"...Would I like to be in there every day? Yeah, of course. Everybody would. But that’s why it’s called a team and not the New York Mientkiewiczs."

I'd buy that team's t-shirt.

Finally, Twins fans, say hello to your replacement for Francisco Liriano: Sir Sidney Ponson! I'm so sorry.

96 Baseball Players Are Freaking the Hell Out Right Now

Brace yourselves, people:

The names and urine samples of about 100 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs three years ago can be used by government investigators in their probe of steroids in sports, a federal appeals court ruled Wednesday.

These are samples from 2003, when baseball implemented "anonymous" testing (yeah, apparently they were just kidding about that part) to investigate the depths of the steroid problem; when 96 tests came back positive, they implemented stricter testing in '04. The numbers were well below the "50%" estimate of Jose Canseco, but they're hardly insignificant -- and keep in mind these tests were 1) announced months in advance, and 2) don't catch HGH.

Anyway, if these names are leaked, and at this point I can only assume they will be, it looks like we're all in for another bracing round of disillusionment. The information ought to help efforts to evaluate the true impact of steroids on the game, but I do worry that this whole thing is beginning to take on the air of a witch hunt.

Yeah... That Headline Is Unfortunate Now

So I have a piece in the Voice this week on the Rangers... when I filed it, last Thursday morning, they had just lost three games in a row after a five game winning streak; I took a relatively positive tack about how the team has regained respectability in the last two years.

Now, of course, they've lost SIX straight and are in full-on panic mode. Oops.

Still, I'm standing by it -- they're only three points out of first, and they still have a solid shot at making the playoffs, if not going very far. I mean... you know... assuming they ever win another game.

Okay, apologies to the 98% of you who don't care about hockey. Nate Silver over at Baseball Prospectus thinks the Yankees might want to hang on to Randy Johnson. Now, when the BP guys talk I listen, because they're smarter than me; but in this case I just can't see it. Whether or not a trade would mean that Barry Zito comes into play, I don't know; I say they should use any prospects they get back to make a play for Dontrelle Willis who, despite his recent troubles with the law, is an awesome pitcher with an outsize personality who would absolutely own New York. Plus, if he lived here... he could just take a cab home.

There Is A Santa Clause

According to various reports, the Yankees are talking to the Diamondbacks about trading Randy Johnson. This would be, if Brian Cashman can pull it of, a flat-out brilliant move. Johnson hasn't been terrible, just thoroughly mediocre; with all due respect to his remarkable Hall of Fame career, he's now 43 and coming off back surgery. And yeah, he had 17 wins last year, but that's a hugely misleading stat when you consider that Johnson LED THE MAJORS in run support, with 7.51. Even Sidney Ponson could have won his share with that kind of support. Johnson's not exactly spreading sunshine around the clubhouse, either. Some of the New York Giants beat writers have taken to calling Michael Strahan The Big Grumpy... man, I wish I'd thought of that phrase myself.

If the Yankees can get back just a few decent pitching prospects, this is the move of the year -- even if you have to kind of suspect that Johnson will come back to win the Cy Young out of spite.

Oh, and -- Happy Holidays, people.

(EDITED TO ADD: the Padres, Dodgers, and Angels are also said to be interested. I... don't understand. Does $16 million just not seem like much with the current salary explosion? Heck, as much as I mock him, I'd take Gil Meche and his $11 million over Johnson next year; he'll never be as good as Johnson can be, of course, but also his spine far less likely to burst into flames and explode on the mound.)

Please Don't Take My Melky Away

You know, looking at the issue rationally, I can see why the Yankees might want to trade Melky Cabrera. He's shaping up to be a very good all-around player, but it's hard to argue he should get playing time over Abreu, Damon, or Matsui, all of whom are superior hitters, and he's better than you need your fourth outfielder to be. His value is high after a surprising and exciting rookie year, and the Yankees need pitching, not offense.

That said, much of what I enjoy about baseball is not particularly rational. Watching Melky Cabrera emerge as a real major leaguer, getting better almost every game, was probably the single most enjoyable thing about last season. He made one spectacular catch and many very good ones, found his home run stroke, and played a major role in keeping the team afloat when two of their superstars went down (not to denigrate Terrence Long's many contributions, of course). So yeah, Mike Gonzalez could be useful. But come on. Can't they let me enjoy one lousy feel-good story?

Plus, if they do this, Robinson Cano is going cry. Seriously. Just don't.

[UPDATE: I have re-channeled my Knicks rant into a (hopefully) more coherent piece on the Voice website. Incidentally, I can't believe they just beat Utah in a great game. Never a dull moment, is there?]

Dare You To Say His Name Five Times in Front of a Mirror

According to Newsday, the Yankees are looking into Doug Mientkiewicz as part of a platoon (with Andy Phillips or maybe Josh Phelps) at first base. Several things about this: first, you know you've been paying too much attention to baseball when you can spell Mientkiewicz correctly on the first try. Second, the headline to this story provokes disturbing mental images: "Mientkiewicz's Leather Goods" sounds like the East Village's most terrifying sex shop.

Moving quickly on, I like this idea because Doug M., while not much of a hitter, plays very solid defense -- at least that's my recollection from watching him with the Sox several years ago. He's been injured a bunch the last few years, so it's hard to evaluate his numbers, and he is a risk. But if they can get him relatively cheap (whatever that means in this market) I think it makes sense. With the Yankees' lineup, they can afford to carry some glove guys; and Giambi, though to his credit he always wants to play the field, should probably be saved from himself.

Stay Classy, Greater Tampa Bay-St. Petersberg Area

The Devil Rays, now officially reeking of desperation, will play a series with the Texas Rangers next summer at Disney World. According to the SI.com article,

"We hope these games whet the appetite of fans from Central Florida and they'll take us up on our offer to come sample Rays baseball and our fan experience at Tropicana Field," Devil Rays president Matt Silverman said.

Hey, Matt, you know what might make fans take you up on your "offer to come sample Rays baseball"? WINNING MORE THAN 61 GAMES. Also, perhaps investing something beyond pocket change into your team, thereby attracting a pitcher more impressive than the mighty Casey Fossum, would be of some help. Given the team's status as a perpetual punchline, I'm amazed they even managed to draw 16,000 fans a game.

Last year at this time they were wondering if changing the name of the Devil Rays to something a little less Satanic might help attendance. For fuck's sake, it's been 10 years and the team has never even sniffed a winning record; get your heads out of your collective asses before your team is mercifully contracted.

Thank you.

P.S. FieldTurf sucks.

Much Ado Etc.

The Red Sox, Matsuzaka and Boras (does anyone else keep typing "Borat" by accident, or is that just me?) seem to have come to terms after all. Man... I knew I shouldn't have bought into the negotiating hype, and I held out for weeks, but last night I finally caved; I'm ashamed of myself. I will take revenge the only way I know how by refusing to ever, as long as I live, refer to Matsuzaka as "D-Mat," no matter how much Scott Boras wants me to.

If SI's Jon Heyman is right, it's in the neighborhood of $52 million for six years. We are now living in a world where my first thought when looking at those numbers is, "oh, that's reasonable."

Meanwhile, in thrilling Yankee news, the team didn't tender Aaron Guiel a contract by the non-tender deadline... I know it's hard, but try to contain your passionate feelings on the subject. Brian Cashman's been awfully quiet recently, hasn't he? Is this the part where we suddenly look around and go, "hey, why have all the birds stopped singing?" and then gasp in shock as they trade A-Rod, or something?

Alternately, perhaps Cashman's just been laughing too hard over Gil Meche's $55 million five year deal to use the telephone coherently.

Nick Greeen: NOT a Scott Boras Client

It may be good news for the Yankees, but I still don't like what appears to be the looming bungling of the Matsuzaka signing -- I can't stand Scott Boras, even when it's the Sox he's trying to screw over. Of course being unscrupulous, creepy, and manipulative is par for the course for an agent*, but he takes it to new levels, and often, I think, it's not even in his clients' best interests. Matsuzaka wants to pitch here, the Seibu Lions want him to pitch here, and the Red Sox are willing to pay him a lot of money to pitch here. I want to see that gyroball of his in HDTV at my neighborhood sports bar; and then I want Hideki Matsui to knock it out of Fenway. Why does this have to be so difficult?

As usual, Buster Olney has an insightful take on the Boras situation; I wholeheartedly agree. Ken Rosenthal at Fox says the deal will get done, but Peter Gammons does not seem so sure.

Meanwhile, Jack Curry's article in the Times yesterday focused on erstwhile Yankee back-up 3B Nick Green, who showed up at the Winter Meetings looking for work -- and on the same day as Barry Bonds, no less. Hey, say what you want about Green's offensive prowess, but there's absolutely no way the dude is on steroids; in fact the article almost makes you wish he would start juicing. First, his own agent is spouting the baseball version of "Attractive? Well, she's got a great personality":

“The one thing we wanted to get across is that Nick is obviously a very strong character guy,” O’Connell said. “Obviously, talent is No. 1 when teams are making decisions. But makeup is important, too, and that’s something we wanted to show teams about Nick.”

...“I’m not begging for a job,” Green said. “I didn’t want to seen as a guy just begging for a job.”

To add insult to injury, Green then went out to a nightclub with our old pal Jim Leyritz, where he was turned away for wearing sneakers. No, really. Will somebody please for the love of God hire this guy? I know he can't hit, but he can field, he comes cheap, and this is excruciating.

Finally, non-baseball-related thoughts on MSG's 50 Greatest Moments show, which between the Knicks and the Rangers I've seen altogether too many promos for: first, Matthew Modine's new mustache makes him look like a child molester; and second, if I hear that Tyrone Wells Dream Like New York song one more fucking time, I'm either going to embark on a brutal murderous rampage or download it from iTunes. I honestly don't know which.

*Full disclosure: I used to work at a talent agency and, yes, I'm still bitter.

Update: Soxaholix quite rightly points out that while everyone assumes Boras is responsible for masterminding this mess, there's no particular reason to assume Matsuzaka himself isn't behind him every step of the way.

Like Shooting Mysteriously Injured Fish in a Barrell

Per Newsday,

"The Cardinals have asked to view Carl Pavano's expansive medical records, according to a report in yesterday's St. Louis Post-Dispatch".

Why do you think the Cardinals requested those records?

• A) A good laugh.
• B) Cost-effective paperweight.
• C) Walt Jocketty lost a drunken bet at the winter meetings.
• D) They made Jeff Weaver into a World Series star, and it went right to their heads.
• E) They made Jeff Weaver into a World Series star, and now they plan to use that same secret DNA-altering alien laser technology on Pavano as well.

Okay, okay. I can already see this is going to be a problem, so I promise to limit the number of Pavano jokes to no more than one a week in the future. In the meantime, however... vote now!

The South Bronx Never Looked So Good

No wonder Andy Pettitte fled Houston: he was afraid outfielder Luke Scott was going to blow his brains out.

Choice quotes from the ESPN article on athletes and their little friends (hat tip to Can’t Stop the Bleeding, which got to these first):

"An athlete gets paid a lot of money," he said. "And someone who is after that, a thief, a mugger or someone who steals from people, they are taking a chance with the law that if they get caught, they are going to jail or face some other problem."

With a broad smile, he added, "In my case, you are going to get shot."

"Last year, we had a lot of people come in from New Orleans to Houston shortly after Hurrican Katrina. There were a lot of people walking the streets. I knew my surroundings. I wasn't in that good of a part of town and it was 1 o'clock in the morning," Scott said. "I was by myself and no one was around. I just took my gun and put it right there."

Scott lifted his shirt to reveal his handgun tucked down the front of his pants, the handle slightly visible.

"I saw this guy about 30 feet away. I'm just watching him, minding my own business and, as he approached me, I said, 'Can I help you with something?' Just like that."

Reenacting the incident, Scott demonstrated how he lifted his shirt to reveal his Glock.

Okay then! When the Astros visit the Mets this season, I'm staying indoors.

Let the Acid Flashbacks Commence

The Mets have chosen HoJo over Rickey Henderson as their new first base coach, selfishly prioritizing actual coaching ability over entertainment value. Bastards.

However, I'm much consoled by the news that Andy Pettitte is coming back to the Yankees. !!!. I'm going to try and be rational about this -- he's older, he's had persistent elbow troubles -- but, basically, WHOOOOHOOOOOOO! It may not be logical to expect Pettite to lead the Yanks back to playoff respectability, but I can't help it. I always liked him, and was sorry to see him go; god knows he's preferable to Ted Lily, as we all found out the hard way. And don't get me started about Gil Meche. In any case, it's only a one year deal (with a player option for the second), so the Yankees are unlikely to rue the decision for too long. Refreshing, isn't it?

The downside of this, of course, is that we can all expect to spend much of the season wallowing in memories. At some point, the team is going to have to find a new identity for itself, with the vast majority of those late-90s teams already gone. But... maybe not just this instant. Anyone for Game 5 of the 1996 World Series on Yankee Classics?

The Best News I've Heard All Week

From a note at the bottom of a NY Post article:

Minaya confirmed Rickey Henderson could be a candidate for the Mets' first base coaching job.

If there is a God, this will happen.

You, Sir, Are No Kenesaw Mountain Landis

First, for those of you who are interested in basketball, I have an article on the Knicks in this week's Village Voice.

In baseball news... Bud Selig is retiring! Well, okay, not for three more years. But still! Guess we'll all have plenty of time to summarize his Reign of Blandness in the years to come; I find myself oddly reluctant to give him credit for things, even when he deserves it, as with the Wild Card and revenue sharing. More on this later... perhaps in 2008. God, I get bored just thinking about writing about him.

Better news: Tom Glavine's returning to the Mets. I was surprised when he didn't re-sign right away, but he was tempted by the Braves because he lives in Atlanta and wanted to spend more time with his family. Which is all very admirable, but... man, we're talking about a team that can't sell out their ballpark during the playoffs. Blech. (Okay, I've never liked the Braves. It's not especially rational: they made some arrogant remarks before the '96 series, and then there was John Rocker. That's not really enough reason to dislike an entire team for a decade, but what can I say; I just don't like the look of them. Plus the Tomahawk Chop creeps me the fuck out).

Bernie Williams may or may not be back this year (again). It's a strange situation with Bernie -- in 2005 everyone thought he was done; the fans applauded his every at-bat and chanted his name. But... then he came back. And he had a very solid year under the circumstances, especially if you try very hard not to think about his fielding. He got an ovation and a hit during the last game of the regular season, which he also managed; that was nice, but still, it didn't feel final, and he didn't get to play at all during the fiasco against the Tigers. I want closure, and I always love watching Williams play (again, we're going to pretend there's no fielding involved here), but at the same time, saying goodbye to a player for three full years is just exhausting.

I just heard someone on SportsCenter speculate that a Manny Ramirez trade might eventually result in Barry Bonds coming to Boston. Whaaa? I assume they were just talking out of their ass (sadly I was in the kitchen and didn't see who it was), because that would be a disaster of epic proportions. Barry Bonds + the Boston media = felony assault charges. I am therefore all for it, but I would be way beyond stunned if it happened.

The Yankees announced they're raising their ticket prices next year. Also, the sun will rise tomorrow morning in the East.

ONLY $26 Million?! Pshaw.

As first reported by the seemingly infallible Buster Olney, the Yankees have won the rights to negotiate with this year’s other posted Japanese pitcher, Kei Igawa, with $26,000,194 bid. (194 is the number of strikeouts Igawa recorded this year, which is… kind of oddly whimsical for a major financial negotiation, huh?). Regardless, the Yanks have the Red Sox to thank for making $26 million suddenly seem like a totally reasonable amount of money to pay for NEGOTIATING RIGHTS. I know very little about Igawa; the consensus online seems to be that he’s certainly worth a shot, but not someone you'd count on to save the rotation. Still, given the choice between Igawa, Ted Lily or Gil Mesh, I’d take a flyer on the Hanshin Tigers ace. Cliff Corcoran at Bronx Banter has a good in-depth look at Igawa; he compares his career numbers to Matsuzaka’s and finds that they’re really not all that different. Hmmm. Also, Yanksfan vs Soxfan has vital YouTube footage of Igawa... trying to fly a toy helicopter? Sweet. I'm sold.

It’s been discussed too much already, so I'll keep this quick: the AL MVP was not a logical choice. I probably would have gone with Mauer or Santana, though there's a very strong case to be made for Jeter too. Oh well -- I'm sure he'll struggle on somehow.

Speaking of divisive awards voting, the Hall of Fame ballots are out, and there are some tough calls this year, Mark McGwire being the most obvious. I think I’d probably vote for him, though not without reservations. Remember that when he played, MLB had no rule against steroids – which is a gaping, gaping oversight, but there you are. Besides which, I think you have to take into account more than just numbers with the HOF – a player’s impact on the culture of the game (though many would probably disagree with me here) is also an issue. McGwire was absolutely the face of baseball in the 90s. I mean, he broke Roger Maris' record; it doesn’t seem like such a good thing now, but he did, and it was amazing, and proving exactly how much of that was due to steroids and how much wasn't is currently impossible. That's also why I’d consider Don Mattingly -- he doesn’t have the numbers (stupid back problems!), but because of his impact, totally dominating New York baseball in the 80s, you have to at least think about it... though after you thought about it, you probably couldn’t vote for him. Okay, fine. I'd really, really want to though.

Meanwhile, I absolutely cannot understand why the Mets are letting Chad Bradford sign with the Orioles. That guy kicks all kinds of ass. I just assumed he was going to re-sign with the Mets; if he was really available, the Yankees should have been all over him. $10 million for three years is very reasonable for a 32-year-old reliever this good -- or it is in the current insane marketplace, anyway.

And by the way, WasWatching has this handy chart detailing Manny Ramirez’s performance against the Yankees since his arrival in Boston. Please... please... please trade him. Please? Seriously, is Manny dismembering prostitutes in the locker room, or what? Why are they even considering this? We just must not know the full story.

UPDATE: Apparently the Earth Has Been Moving Around the Sun This Entire Time

Felt the need to update yesterday’s post because… holy fuck, Soriano is thirty?!? Already?!? But wasn’t his rookie year just… oh… wait, I guess it was seven years ago. Damn, that makes me feel old. This is like when you realize your friends’ younger siblings, who you still think of as gawky teens, are all over 21 now.

Anyway, this would seem to make Soriano’s lengthy contract look a bit less solid than I thought yesterday. Just thought I should add that, because in my head Sori is perpetually 24, but in life, not so much.

Also, an alert hockey fan emails to point out that what I saw on MSG the other day was NOT Jaromir Jagr getting his teeth knocked out… it was his FAKE teeth that were knocked out. His real ones, of course, having been knocked out years before. Again: Ah, hockey.

Who's the Evil What Now?

Okay, let’s catch up…

-After their $51.1 million (!) bid on Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Red Sox don’t get to yell about the Yankees’ spending anymore, which is nice. On the other hand, if this guy is as good as he’s supposed to be, they won’t even want to. I hope Baseball Prospectus is wrong for once.

-Hey… Barry! Man, you’re looking just great! What is it -- have you been working out? Did you change your hair? Get over here, you!

-Mussina’s reasonable two-year deal should be announced next week. Good. Two years and $22.5 million might sound like a lot, but then you realize that Carl Pavano made $20 million over the last two years, as I’m sure Moose’s agent pointed out. Thanks again, Carl!

-Alfonso Soriano is signing with the Cubs. He's obviously a teriffic hitter, but unless they get some pitching, I’m not sure they’re really “instant contenders”; then again, if Peter Gammons is saying it, there's a very good chance it's true. Anyway, this should finally put an end to all those Rodriguez-to-the-Cubs rumors.

-“Citifield”… oh, dear. Chalk one up for the Yanks in the PR battle for the hearts and minds of New Yorkers. Mets fans seem to be taking the wise perspective that the extra $20 million (!) a year this brings can buy them some serious talent, and this is true, but still… it’s the principle of the thing. Of course, whether the Yankes will stay strong or not on their new Stadium remains to be seen.

-The Mets are on the verge of signing Moises Alou. This is a low-risk one-year deal, but the guy is 40; with Glavine, if he comes back, also 40, Jose Valentin (37), Julio Franco (48 years young) and El Duque (god only knows; recently signed for two more years), they’re getting a little on the Centrum Silver side. Still, I suppose they have enough youngsters – Wright, Reyes, Chavez, Maine, et al – to balance it out. This is probably it for Cliff Floyd with the Mets, which is too bad: when he was healthy, which granted wasn't often enough, he was very good, and he seems like an awfully nice guy. Not to mention a great quote.

-I’ve been paying more attention to hockey recently, and I happened to flip over to MSG the other day just in time to see Jaromir Jagr’s teeth get knocked out. Yeaargh! This didn’t even make headlines, by the way, and he only left the game for a few minutes. Ah, hockey. Good times!

"Humbert-Oh! Humbert-Oh!," For Example

Adios, Sheff. I already miss the dysfunction. Sheffield is 38 and coming off a rough wrist injury, but does anybody doubt he'll hit the crap out of the ball for Detroit next year? Still, there's nothing wrong with an outfield involving Damon/Matsui/Abreu/Melky, and the Yankees need young pitching more than anything. If just one of the three prospects they traded for ends up as a solid #2 or even #3 starting pitcher, this will have been another shrewd Cashman trade. Humberto Sanchez, Kevin Whelan and Anthony Claggett: good baseball names all. If Sanchez makes it, do we get to see the Post making Lolita puns on the back page? I can dream.

And I was about to post the following graph when I saw the news about Jaret Wright:

“And now, apparently, the Yanks are about to wash their hands of Jaret Wright. I’m torn about this: he was disappointing and often incredibly frustrating to watch, but he had these flashes of talent and grit that made me think he could be worth holding onto. And getting traded to a division rival is sort of insulting – not to mention possibly unwise, since Baltimore, though fairly miserable last year, has a ton of promising young pitchers and a solid offense. Depends on who they get for him, of course.”

The answer? Chris Britton, a young right-handed reliever with good but unspectacular stats last season, who looks… how to put this… like the love child of Sir Sidney Ponson and... oh, I don't know. He's portly, okay? But he was fairly effective last year, so I’ll reserve judgment. I know the Yanks made the deal because they would have had to buy out Wright’s $7 million contract for $4 million anyway just to release him, but poor Jaret Wright: he got traded to a division rival for a reliever. Ouch. Great deal for the Orioles, though.

Still no news on Matsuzaka, but rumors are flying – the Seibu Lions are taking their time announcing the winning bidder. Supposedly the Red Sox may have won out with a massive bid of around $38 million (again – that’s just to negotiate), but it's not confirmed. I wouldn't have been terribly worried about this yesterday, but today I saw that Baseball Prospectus attempted to translate his numbers from Japan, and concluded that he could produce stats in America similar to Roger Clemens, of all people. Oh, and also comparable? Roy Halladay, Brandon Webb, Chris Carpenter, Jason Schmidt, Josh Beckett, Pedro Martinez, Jake Peavy and Tim Hudson. Umm.... AIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

Finally, good luck to Bubba Crosby, who has signed with the Reds. He’s like David Eckstein... except he's a little taller... and can't hit. But, you know, otherwise. I'll always remember him for the great walk-off homer he hit against the Orioles down the stretch in 2005 -- you could see him struggling between sheer joy and utter disbelief all the way around the bases.

Oh -- and the Mets might name their new stadium “CitiField”?! Ugh! Don't do it, Wilpons. William Alfred Shea is turning in his grave.

Bronson Arroyo Prepares For Inevitable 2016 Post-Retirement Reality Show

The Yankees bid an enormous amount of money today (up to $20 million per Bob Klapisch), simply for the right to negotiate with Matsuzaka. Good lord. I don’t like this posting process at all; the expectations are going to be so enormous that there's going to be a massive letdown if he isn't Cy Young good, and quickly. Based on his career numbers, that might be a safe assumption -- if it were easy to predict how Japanese stats transition to the Major Leagues. But talk to Kaz Matsui about that. Baseball is unpredictable enough under more controlled circumstances, as the Yankees' last five or six years of pitching acquisitions demonstrate nicely. Aaron Small? 10-0. Carl Pavano? Insert joke here.

On a tangentially related note, in a story that achieved surprisingly little media attention, the Major League All-Stars swept Japan’s Nippon Professional Baseball in five games. The US roster included David Wright and Jose Reyes, Ryan Howard, John Maine, Mike Myers, Joe Nathan, Bronson Arroyo, Scott Shields, Chase Utley, Lyle Overbay, Joe Mauer and Jermaine Dye. I actually would have like to watch those games (though not quite enough to buy MLB.TV’s off-season package), but I realize I’m probably in a minority there.

They only have a few short clips online for free–-but, for the brave of heart, Bronson Arroyo has a video diary of the event on mlb.com. Who the hell thought this was going to be a good idea? He charmingly refers to the “midget beds” in the hotel room and staggers through a truly painful rendition of “Wonderwall” on Japan MTV. Less masochistic fans might just enjoy the pictures of Reyes looking like he just got a new puppy for Christmas (following his game 5 walk-off homer), a nice little pick-me-up for the dark winter days ahead. Also, the team got 140,000,000 Yen in prize money for their win. I could easily find out what this comes out to in U.S. dollars, but I kind of enjoy not knowing whether it's $93.00 or half a billion.

Gary Sheffield… oh, you know, the usual.

And I’m late on this, but the Mets’ Guillermo Mota tested positive for steroids last week. Credit Mota for apologizing straight-up and not trying to pass it off on some teammate’s mystery pills or a faulty test, but it’s a sad day when you find yourself admiring players for admitting to their steroid use. Sluggers get all the attention, but second-tier players and middle relievers were using too, and still are; we'll probably never know what the impact of all this has been. And so I am going to continue to try to think about it as little as possible.

And in other dismaying news, the A's are moving to Fremont. Where? Exactly. It’s hard to believe such a successful and entertaining team can’t find enough fans. My longtime fantasy is for a team to move to Brooklyn... which I realize will never, ever happen, but come on: Fremont? Why, what was wrong with Piscataway?

Gyroball Pitch

Well, now that we’ve all gotten over the thrills and chills of the World Series (har), it’s time for infuriatingly vague and premature trade rumors.

First of all, is Barry Bonds insane? Well, I mean, yes, obviously he is, but does he really expect anyone to pay $14 million for him next year? He’s old, he’s injury prone, he’s moody and manipulative, and he’s the poster boy for steroids, tax fraud, and girlfriend-threatening. Then again, though I can’t imagine either New York team would be interested, at least he’d serve to distract everyone from Alex Rodriguez. “Tonight on SportsCenter: A-Rod is still mired in a 1-for-19 slump –- but first, Barry Bonds has been arrested for assaulting Chris “Mad Dog” Russo with a baseball bat on live television! Coming up next.”

Anyway. I always loved watching Soriano play back when he was on the Yanks -- sure, he swung at everything in the borough, but he did it with a lot of flair -- and I think he'd do well with the Mets, but they really need pitching, not offense (despite what their last seven games of the season might lead you to believe). I’m very intrigued by Matsuzaka for the Yankees, but it’s so risky – it's very hard to accurately predict how pitching stats will translate from the Japanese league (*cough* Hideki Irabu *cough*). Still, I'd welcome anyone who threw a gyroball. I might have to change the name of this blog.

Okay, this is the last time I’m going to say this, I promise—but here’s one for the road: JEFF WEAVER?!?!

There. It's out of my system. Let us never speak of this again.

Revenge of the Flyover States, Game 4

I like watching David Eckstein play. I always have, even when he was on the Angels, a team I viscerally loath. But - and this has been bothering me for a few days now – as much as we can all agree that hustle is a good thing… very admirable in general, certainly nothing wrong with it … is it really necessary to sprint to first base on a walk? Really? We’re not talking about a grounder or a popup, a play on which there could possibly be an error by the defense, allowing a heads-up baserunner to reach safely. We’re talking about a walk. One base. Automatically. You can’t stretch a walk. I mean, there’s hustle and then there’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Meanwhile, we might as well all go home, because God is obviously rooting for the Cardinals -- they got roughly an entire season's worth of breaks all in one night in Game 4, while the Tigers stumbled, tripped, and threw balls away left and right. Literally. This game could hardly have been uglier for Tigers fans (or Yankees fans who couldn’t stop thinking “THESE schmucks shut down one of the greatest offenses of all time?”), and although it was exciting in the sense that it was decided in the late innings, this was not what you’d call good baseball. It looks like the 83-game winners are on the brink; take deep breaths and repeat the helpful mantra “small sample size, small sample size, small sample size, small sample size.”

And speaking of God and the Cardinals, Jeff Suppan appeared in a Missouri TV ad during the game last night for an anti-stem-cell group called Missourians Against Human Cloning. I don’t want to get political here – I don’t like politics in my sports -- but come on: it should be possible to oppose stem cell research on moral or religious grounds, without trying to scare dumb people into thinking allowing it would “make cloning a Constitutional right.” Besides, I think maybe they're being too hard on cloning. Who doesn’t like the idea of a pitching rotation full of Chien-Ming Wangs? I'd say the Yankees should look into this, but I suspect they already have.

The Mystique of Placido Polanco

My first instinct was to make fun of Placido Polanco for his supremely silly-looking head sock, but the more I think about it, the more I realize you just have to respect him for having the balls to wear it. He’s apparently decided that keeping his ears warm is worth risking the mockery of millions, and honestly, we should all be so secure and self-confident. Now if only he could get a hit…

So yet another game was rained out, and the Cardinals held onto their 2-1 lead in the Series. I still haven’t had much luck trying to make myself care, though at least Chris Carpenter was fun to watch. In his interview afterwards he was so excited, and talking so fast, that it sounded like the recording had been sped up. But except for Game 7 of the NLCS (Endy!), this just hasn’t been an especially memorable postseason -- there’ve been some excellent performances, of course, and some tense moments, but a lot of sloppiness too, and a lot of flat games. Or, very possibly, I'm just bitter because I don't have a team to root for. Every time Bonderman and Suppan appear on TV I start twitching.

Meanwhile, in a truly stunning development... Gary Sheffield is upset about something! He doesn't want the Yankees to exercise his $13 million option just to trade him, in which case, he says, "there's going to be a problem." I actually find Sheffield's outbursts refreshing -- most athletes are far too image-conscious to be that honest ("Y'all think you know what I'm going to do, but you don't. Nobody knows. That's the mystique of me," he said earlier this summer). But, of course, the problem with being honest while bitching about your $13 million-a-year contract is that it makes you look like a complete dick. I think Sheffield has actually done very well by the Yankees, this year's injury aside, and I hope he ends up someplace he wants to go, where they appreciate his considerable talents... but there's just not a logical place for him on next year's team. I'll miss the bat waggle, and the sight of rich corporate ticketholders frantically diving for cover when he launches a foul ball into the third base seats, but... all I want for Christmas this year is pitching. Please?

Finally, my last playoff article (sniff), about the NLCS, is out in this week's Village Voice.

Well, I Guess That's One Explanation...

I didn’t watch all of Game 1, but I’m struggling to accept the fact that the Cardinals beat up on Justin Verlander, who so completely baffled the Yankees. Then to add insult to injury we have last night's game, not a fun one for New York baseball fans. A Weaver-Rogers World Series match-up? Fabulous. Hide the sharp objects and rat poison.

Things took an intriguing twist, though, when it was revealed that Kenny Rogers had some sort of “foreign substance” on his pitching hand. Wow. You almost have to admire the chutzpah of anyone with the nerve to doctor a ball in the middle of the World Series, while surrounded by high-definition cameras and subjected to an unsurpassed level of scrutiny. It now looks as if he had this “clump of dirt” on his hand during all three series, including that game against the Yankees... yep, I'm torn between grudging admiration and uncontrollable rage.

In Rogers’ defense (you have no idea how much it pains me to type those words), he continued to pitch extremely well after washing his hands.

UPDATE: They asked La Russa about this at the televised press conference today, and his answer could not have been longer or more rambling. The upshot seems to be that La Russa knew Rogers was using pine tar but, rather than disrupt the game and mar the Series by officially making accusations, he decided to just “get it fixed and play the game.” That's pretty admirable, actually.

Strange man, La Russa. He got “personally offended” when some one asked him if he avoided causing a fuss out of respect for Leyland. “If somebody seriously accused me of that I would get very upset and confrontational,” he said, totally deadpan and emotionless.

Finally someone asked him if he thought it might have just been dirt. Loooooong pause... chuckle... "it didn't look like dirt."

Leyland declined to comment. Fucking Kenny Rogers, man. Un-fucking-believable.