August 15, 2006

If You're Not Part of the Solution You're Part of the Problem

Last night’s post got me to thinking. Since everything that can possibly be said about Alex Rodriguez this year has by now been said, and given the inordinate number of trees (and, er... bytes?) that have given their lives for excruciatingly in-depth analyses of the man, I decided not to write another word about A-Rod this season--barring truly remarkable events. So I'm making it official: not another word about lucky #13, UNLESS:

  • He single-handedly wins or loses a playoff series.
  • He starts a real quality brawl.
  • He is arrested for a felony. We're talking murder, assault, possession with intent to distribute... a DUI isn't going to cut it, nor will tax fraud, and obviously, don't bother me with any misdemeanors.
  • He--not his wife--gives birth to a child. I honestly don’t mean this as a dig on him being effeminate or anything, I just think it would be newsworthy.
  • He hits a home run off of Curt Schilling. Because it never gets old.
  • He spontaneously combusts on the field. Literal flames only; metaphorically doesn’t count.
  • He has an affair, but only if it’s with someone really unexpected. I don’t mean a model or actress or groupie, I mean, say, Hilary Clinton. Larry Bowa. Arundhati Roy. Derek Jeter’s mom. My grandpa Murray. Someone like that.

Does that about cover it? Let me know if I've forgotten something. Otherwise, so long until October, A-Rod, and good luck.

5 comments:

unmoderated said...

oh, what a backpage headline that would make:

A-ROD AND H-ROD? SAY IT AIN'T SO (gross)

Ted said...

If A-Rod had an affair with Paul Lo Duca, would that count?

Emma said...

Hmm... only if Anna Benson was also involved.

jerseygirl said...

Is your granda Murray cute?

jonkatz said...

Few great baseball players need to be liked as much as A-Rod. I can hardly imagine Ruth or Cobb or Koufax or Whitey Ford looking over their shoulders so much to see if they are getting booed or cheered.
Not that they didn't care. It's that they didn't transmit visceral insecurity to savvy fans who pick it up and chew on it. When A-Rod stops caring so much, people will permit themselves to like him for his great talent. But I suspect he wants to be loved more than he wants to win.