La Plus Ca Change, etc

I came across the John Updike piece "Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu," about Ted Williams' last game at Fenway, a few years ago (in "Baseball: A Literary Anthology," I think), and recently stumbled onto it again online. Aside from what an amazing piece of writing it is, I was struck by his depiction of the relationship between Williams and the media. Updike quotes "a fair sample of appreciative sports-page prose" from the Boston American's Huck Finnegan:

"Williams' career, in contrast [to Babe Ruth's], has been a series of failures except for his averages. He flopped in the only World Series he ever played in (1946) when he batted only .200. He flopped in the playoff game with Cleveland in 1948. He flopped in the final game of the 1949 season with the pennant hinging on the outcome (Yanks 5, Sox 3). He flopped in 1950 when he returned to the lineup after a two-month absence and ruined the morale of a club that seemed pennant-bound under Steve O'Neill. It has always been Williams' records first, the team second, and the Sox non-winning record is proof enough of that."

I should add that Finnegan, clearly the Dan Shaughnessy of his day, published that on the day of Williams' last game. Anyway, I'm sure I don't have to spell it out for you: sounds familiar, doesn't it? Mainstream sports writing doesn't seem to have changed all that much since 1960. Although God only knows what Huck Finnegan would have made of WARP.

Best line in the whole terrific Updike piece, though, is on Williams' refusal to so much as tip his cap to the pleading fans, after hitting a home run in his last-ever at-bat: "The papers said that the other players, and even the umpires on the field, begged him to come out and acknowledge us in some way, but he refused. Gods do not answer letters."

Okay, Who Kept The Billy Goat Out Of Legends Field?

So. Not only is Carl Pavano lined up to be the opening day starter (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, accep-... acc-... nope, not there yet), but Jeff Karstens, winner of the fifth starter derby, is now sidelined with elbow stiffness. "Elbow stiffness" is one of those phrases that could mean either three days or six months, so it's still unclear how big of a freakout this calls for. But I'm ready for anything.

The swarms of bees that keep descending on the Yanks this spring are starting to seem biblical, aren't they? Next up: the Gatorade cooler runs red with blood.

Anyway, Darrell Rasner it is. In fact, last summer I remember thinking that Rasner had been more impressive than Karstens in his major league starts; but, looking back, a lot of that was probably related to the fact that Karstens looked 14 then (he looks at least 16 this year). I'll check their stats tomorrow.

Over in Port St. Lucie, the Mets surprised fans who don't have access to the internet, newspapers, or television by naming the deserving Mike Pelfrey their fifth starter. Chan Ho Park is apparently headed to the bullpen, but not without considerable grumbling.

And in fluffier news, an informal poll of Mets reveals that the players consider Carlos Beltran the teammate most likely to spend over two grand on a suit, Paul Lo Duca the most likely to talk trash to opposing fans, and Aaron Heilman the best-read. Are you ready for the season to start yet?

No, No, That's A Typo. You Meant P-A-V-A-N-O, Not W-A-N-G.

Well, that didn't take long... the Yanks sustained their first major injury yesterday as Chien-Ming Wang pulled a hammy. I know I said I wanted to see Jeff Karstens on the major league roster, but this isn't what I had in mind.

Because of all the April off-days, though, the Yankees will only need their fifth starter once or twice before Wang gets back. In the scheme of things this isn't too big a deal, assuming that everything heals right (not always a given with a hamstring - remember Cano last year?). And true, Mussina didn't look very good in his start today... but just keep chanting "it's only spring training" over and over again, until you feel calm and centered.

In other news, Brian Bruney and Kyle Farnsworth have shaved their heads. Can't hurt, I suppose.

Over in Port St. Lucie, Chan Ho Park threw three sharp innings today for the Mets today -- but was pulled before the fourth, which can't be a good sign. The Mets are apparently saying there's no injury, so what's going on? Guess we'll find out later. On the bright side, Joe Smith was very impressive, again, coming on in relief.

Random fact of the day: apparently, the Kansas City Royals have a prized pitching prospect named Billy Buckner. Awesome. What could possibly go wrong?

Gooooooooooooooooood Afternooooon, Everybody

Well, I've healed the only way I know how: drinking heavily by night, and, during the day, sitting around in my pajamas with my dog, listening to depressing indie music, and watching "Mike and the Mad Dog" all afternoon. (Oddly, the shriller Dog gets, the more soothing I find the show).

So, back to baseball. I'm getting so sick of saying, thinking, hearing, and writing "it's only spring training" that you can tell this last week is going to be a long one, but the monotony was broken up today when Carl Pavano pitched solidly... and narrowly avoided being attacked by a swarm of bees. No, really.

Meanwhile, Aaron Sele had a solid outing for the Mets. I'm rooting for him to make the team because he seems like an awfully nice guy, but I can't honestly say I think he'd be better than Mike Pelfrey. Solid long reliever though, maybe? And Billy Wagner got seriously lit up, but hey, don't worry, Mets fans: Armando Benitez may be available on the trade market! If Steve Phillips were still around, he'd know what to do about it...


Finally, as of last week, when I first discovered his existence, I've got a new favorite player: Denard Span, of the Twins. No relation, as far as I know; but I've never met or even heard of another Span outside of my immediate family, so I'm adopting him. This is all I've been able to find out so far: he's from Tampa, 23 years old and incredibly fast, apparently a very good fielder but without much of an arm, and... well, maybe hitting isn't his strong suite, but did I mention how fast he is? He'll be starting at AAA, but I was stung to find BP's PECOTA system projecting him Denard to hit .281/.330/.382 this season, with a VORP of -.7. I'm taking this as a personal affront. Mark my words: he's gonna prove everybody wrong! I'm so sure of this that if he doesn't end up with a positive Value Over Replacement Player by the end of the season, I'll change my name to Denard.*

You know, I really like the Twins in general: I adore Torii Hunter even though intellectually I realize he's been overrated much of his career, I'm pretty sure that Johan Santana is a god, the name Boof Bonser makes me smile... I could go on. So it pains me to see that they still seem to be seriously considering Sidney Ponson for a starting job. I know pitching is scare these days, but for pity's sake... do you have no one at AAA? Can't we all try to at least maintain a little dignity?


*Probably not really.

Spoke Too Soon...

Well, looks like a lifetime of sports fandom has taught me nothing: I jinxed myself. Yes, my first-ever conversation with the Village Voice's brand new editor was my last, as it looks like they'll be ditching the sports section -- or, at least, me.

So "Out of Left Field" lived fast, died young, and left a decent-looking corpse. But I'm bringing Eephus Pitch back from the dead. It will rise from the ashes like a phoenix... a New York baseball-obsessed phoenix. I promise my metaphors will be better in the morning.

I'm still recovering from an epic night of drowning my sorrows, so I'll be back for real tomorrow. But in the meantime I'll leave you with some applicable sports cliches that occurred to me last night, somewhere between the wine and the shots of Jameson (not my idea):

• "It's a marathon, not a sprint."

• "I've just got to stay within myself." Never was entirely sure what that one meant, but if it's good enough for Bernie, it's good enough for me.

• "It is what it is." Isn't it? This is the sports phrase of the year. Five words that fit any occasion!

As you can imagine, there are a lot of other things I'd like to say about the situation at the Voice. But for now, I guess discretion is the better part of valor. I'll save it for the nice men in white coats when they visit my cozy padded cell.

Meanwhile, Oliver Perez is having another very good start for the Mets, allowing (as of this writing) no runs on two hits through three. The Yankees are off tonight, and so am I.

Good Night Sweet Blog

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

As you've probably noticed, Eephus Pitch has been dying a slow death for a while now. Writing for the Voice full time made it tough to keep up, but I just started a sports blog for their website... and that's made it redundant. See for yourself:

http://www.villagevoice.com/blogs/outofleftfield/

To everyone who read this site, thank you. I've loved hearing from you and I hope you'll follow me over there -- yes, all 8 of you. The blog is going to cover all sports, but the main emphasis this summer will be baseball, because, well, that's my thing. I'm in Port St. Lucie for the Mets' spring training right now, and I'm heading over to the Yankees this weekend.

So stop by, check it out, tell your friends, and leave some comments, because it's a little empty over there. And of course you should still feel free to email me (ekspan [at] gmail [dot] com). I'm going to leave this site up -- who knows, I may want to bring it back someday. But for now, please turn off the lights on your way out... and thanks again.

Emma

Game Over Man, Game Over!

As some of you may know, Johnny Damon started an organization called the Professional Baseball Gaming League, or PBGL, of which he is Commissioner. (Typing that just made me fantasize about a world in which Damon is the actual Commissioner of Baseball; god that would be beautiful).

He recently lost a big match to Snoop Dogg, but there’s no shame in that -- it’s an honor to lose a video game contest to Snoop. Much more alarming, however, is his first-round loss, in the first-ever PBGL finals, to Prince Fielder. Oh, Johnny. You're so much better than that. The best part of the article, however, concerns Seth McClung, who got up hours early to practice, and did not take his ensuing loss at all well:

“…McClung seemed surprised and disappointed when he found that collisions had become a necessary part of the race strategy for the finals -- that he couldn't just fly through his opponent, like in the regular season…

…McClung was not a happy camper after he found himself eliminated.

‘You changed the rules,’ he said to one official. ‘Most of the points I lost, I felt there was a lot of contact. I can honestly say I'm disappointed. I'm upset.’”

I should probably point out here that McClung lost this video game contest to Steve Robison, an injured war veteran who lost most of his left leg in Iraq, and was playing as a representative of Damon's Wounded Warriors charity.

Man -- you do not want to umpire a Devil Rays game this season.

In other, actually more disturbing baseball gaming news (via Baseball Musings), Curt Schilling plays EverQuest.

“'People would find it unbelievable how much I play EverQuest when I travel,’ Schilling says as he works his way through his umpteenth dungeon in EQ2."

Nope... can't say I saw that one coming.

Say what you want about Schilling (and his recent political musings), but hey, at least he’s not spouting the same old ESPN-speak, and he’s not what you'd expect from a big power pitcher: I will bet any amount of money that Roger Clemens does not play EverQuest. And I’m pretty sure if you asked Nolan Ryan about it -- once you explained to him what it was – he would punch you in the face. Anyway, Schilling prefers to remain anonymous online:

“We can’t give away the details, but rest assured, he doesn’t play a female. In fact, Schilling said he never considered playing as a female character. "Never," he says. "The Lord made me the way he made me, and I’m OK with that."

Huh. Does this mean I violated God’s plan by playing MVP Baseball? Whoops.

Are You Sure That's What They Were Saying? Perhaps It Was Loud In There

Gary Sheffield's new book -- the existence of which was first reported way back when by Yanksfan vs. Soxfan, I believe -- sounds like just what you'd expect: some whining, a little Bonds dirt, but nothing particularly controversial. Sheffield just seems to be one of those guys who likes to use perceived slights and offenses as motivation:

Sheffield called Manager Joe Torre “an enigma” and recalled how, in 2004, his first season with the Yankees, he grew infuriated that Torre had said he wished the team had signed the slugger Vladimir Guerrero.

During a meeting in Torre’s office before a May game in Baltimore, Sheffield told him: “I’m tired of hearing you talk about how much you love Guerrero. That disrespects me.”

It's with issues just like this, though, that Torre is a true managerial genius:

The next season, Sheffield recounted, he and Torre had an argument in St. Louis the day after Torre called him out during a team meeting for his uneven defensive play.

Sheffield said they quickly patched things up once Torre explained how he viewed him as a team leader and as someone who could handle the pressure.

Nicely played, Joe.

In semi-related news, is the Yanks' payroll really only -- er, "only" -- 167 million now? That's the number they cite in a USA Today story on the off season's "most puzzling moves" (link courtesy of BB). The story itself doesn't seem very knowledgeable (ignoring obvious answers and quoting, shudder, Jay Mariotti), but it does have some interesting quotes from the GMs. Brian Cashman is honest about Johnson's unhappiness with the Yanks:

"I didn't see him smile the whole time here. But he looked like a whole different person in that (Diamondbacks) press conference."

Also, here's Royals GM Dayton Moore on the now-infamous $55 million Gil Meche deal:

"We have 25 guys in that clubhouse, and all we heard was, 'Go get Gil Meche.'"

Really? You heard that from every guy on your roster? Who the hell is on that team? I'm guessing none of them are in a fantasy league. Also, is it really wise for anyone to be taking career advice from the Kansas City Royals at this point?

I got all excited when I thought of nicknaming their new pitcher Gilgamesh, but, of course, others had the same idea before me. But I hadn't realized that Gil Gamesh is also a fictional starting pitcher in Philip Roth's "The Great American Novel." Huh. I'll be ordering that one from Amazon...

I'm Not Here To Talk About The Past... Well, Maybe Just A Little

So I never commented on the Mark McGwire Hall of Fame issue. Simple reason: I honestly don't know if he should be in or not. It's unfair to single him out when so many other juicers will get away with it, and he had a huge impact on the game; but it's also wrong to put him in at the expense of clean players, and without some sort of asterisk. The truth is, I think the Steroid Era may mark the end of the Hall of Fame as a relevant institution... to the extent that it ever was relevant, anyway.

As for Barry Bonds, I am utterly unsurprised that he tested positive for amphetamines last year (whether or not he also tried to blame it on a teammate is less clear). As far as I can tell, greenies were basically like aspirin for players throughout the 20th century; I don't think this even cracks the top ten list of off-putting, criminal things Bonds has done. I am curious to see, however, whether the Giants seize this deus-ex-machina of an opportunity to get out of their terrible tentative contract with him for next year. For just $16 million, an expensive lounge chair, and an entourage of 20 hangers-on, you too can procure the services of a gimpy, angry, juiced-up sleazeball! Man, if I were a Giants fan, I'd be beside myself.

I'm even more curious to know who leaked the test results. Someone at the Giants, hoping to do just what I suggested? Someone at Major League Baseball trying to drag Bonds into retirement? Or some lab technician or official who doesn't want to see Aaron's record go down? I will say this: I always thought the guy was just paranoid, but it turns out Bonds does have a lot of enemies.

Meanwhile, all's quiet on the New York baseball front. The Yankees signed Jeff Nelson to a minor-league deal, but only so that he could retire as a Yankee. That's actually kind of touching, and surprising, because Nelson seemed like a rather irritable guy in his time here -- I remember a lot of complaining and grousing about various managerial decisions. I never found him very likable; maybe his creepy mustache just rubbed me the wrong way. On the other hand, I also remember a lot of exceedingly competent late-inning pitching. The Yankees still haven't found a duo to set up Mo as reliable as Mike Stanton and Nelson were during those years. Their talent was certainly recognized at the time but, looking back, maybe under-appreciated.

Finally, on a genuinely serious note, I'll join the many thousands of people who are keeping Bobby Murcer in their thoughts.

Ad Age

I forgot to mention in the last post -- I have a story in the Voice this week on the Jets, the Giants, and my continuing inability to get interested in football. And, speaking of plugs...

One interesting note on the NFL: on his blog (link via Deadspin), Mike Harding tallied up the ad time for the Chiefs/Colts game last weekend and finds that the program featured 86 minutes of content, and 80 MINUTES OF ADS... and that's not counting plugs and product placement.

There were 80 minutes of dedicated ad time in the programming, amounting to 48% ad time and 86 minutes of content accounting for the other 52% of programming. Within the 86 minutes of content time, there were 218 plugs (142 of which were “fast plugs”) - or a plug every 22 seconds. This is exclusive of the scoreboard crawler/ticker which was nearly continuously displayed with NBC and NFL logos.

Even backing out the fast plugs, the NBC logo with accompanying sound at the start and finish of each replay, there were 76 “regular” plugs in the 86 minute content time meaning there was a plug every 68 seconds. A total of 63 distinct advertisers paid for the ads, plugs, and fast plugs in this 166 minutes. Now wonder my brain was jello by the time this broadcast was completed.

I'm not sure I would have counted the "fast plugs" -- the mere appearance of the NBC logo. Nevertheless, that's a truly staggering figure.

When the season starts, I'll definitely have to measure the percentage of ad time in the average baseball game -- I'm sure it's high, but I'd bet not quite at the NFL level. Isn't it only a matter of time, though? What would you estimate? And at what point, if any, will you stop watching?

Kei Sera Sera

Kei Igawa was officially introduced to the media yesterday. Given that the Yanks bid significant cash for his rights, it's sort of amazing how low everyone's expectations are; they HOPE he can be a #5 starter? His stats in Japan were very solid, though, and he's beginning to seem like an interesting guy. Check out this interview in Sports Illustrated: at first he seems, like a True Yankee (TM), single-mindedly determined to avoid any kind of controversy whatsoever:

SI: Hideki Matsui is nicknamed Godzilla. What's your favorite Japanese film monster?
Igawa: I have none.

...SI: The Boston Red Sox made a Mechagodzilla-sized splash this offseason by bidding more than $51 million for the rights to Japanese ace Daisuke Matsuzaka and signing him to a $52 million, six-year contract. Did the hard-line shenanigans of his agent, Scott Boras, hurt Matsuzaka's image in Japan?
Igawa: I have no idea. Please ask Daisuke directly

...SI: Who's your favorite American ballplayer?
Igawa: I have a tremendous respect for all big leaguers. I do not have a particular favorite.

At this point, I felt terrible for the poor interviewer; Randy "Sunshine" Johnson was starting to look voluble in comparison. But then Igawa gets a little offbeat:

SI: How about a personal hero?
Igawa: The goalkeeper for Belgium's national soccer team.

SI: And your favorite historic figure?
Igawa: Mitsukuni Tokugawa, a feudal ruler known for his political influence in the early Edo Period.

The goalkeeper for Belgium's national soccer team? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a pulse! He goes on to say that he spent his first paycheck in Japan on candy, and that he has lost his wallet four times but always had it returned to him (the odds of this happening in New York are... slim). Also, his motto? "Quest."

We also have (from NYYFans.com, link via the excellent comments at Bronx Banter) this list of facts about Igawa, translated from the Japanese. I have no idea how reliable this info is -- either on the original site, or in translation. But we can only pray that some of these, at least, are true:

9.Really wanted to go home to watch “Pride GP” (Note: A Martial art fighting contest) and hence accelerated his pace of pitching.

17.Still a virgin when he turned pro. Manager Nomura ordered him to lose it.

21.When lived in “Village of Tiger Blow” (Dorm for new players and rookies), the dorm supervisor shouted “Go out and have some life!” at him for he always spends all day in his room playing remote control model car. So he started to play remote control HELICOPTER instead.

23.When he was forced to move out of the dorm, he asked his team if he could live in a trailer house in Koshien Stadium’s (home court) parking lot. Of course team rejected that.

27. Didn’t really care about the division title and go back to the dorm to take a nap before the game they clinched. He was called to the field when the team was about to win.

68. Feel ashamed about his large appetite. Eat sukiyaki by facing the wall to feel better.

99. Camp in line to buy DQ8 (a video game) at seven in the morning. Left his contract negotiation to his agent.

Yeah... #27 might not go over too well here. And... "Village of Tiger Blow?" In general, though, I like that he sounds like such a dork. Should be interesting to watch his dynamic with Matsui, who appears to have a very different sort of personality.

This one just confuses me:

31. Not intend to join the division title beer shower. Tried to be unnoticed in the corner of the locker room and happily distributed the beers to all his teammates. Unfortunately he finally got his teammates’ attention and instantly got knocked out by the beer shower. Scheduled appointments for following days were all cancelled because of that. (Note: Igawa is probably the most vulnerable player to alcoholic beverage in the world.)

Are they saying that just being sprayed with beer was enough to incapacitate him for days? Is that even physiologically possible? If some fan in Oakland throws their beer on him, is he going to get drunk?

This could be an interesting year.

May Auld Acquaintance Be Traded For Mid-Level Prospects

Happy New Year, kids.

The Randy Johnson deal is almost complete, as the D-backs have agreed in principle to an extension. I'm still all for this (age, back -- they can't all be Roger Clemenses... er... Clemensi?). But, that said, there's no need to trash the Unit on his way out the door: he was often ineffective, but he gave full effort every grumpy inch of the way, and pitched through a lot of pain. Balky back and all, he gave the Yanks a heaping pile of innings over the last two years, even if they came with a generous side order of home runs. He also handled his indirect trade request with some class; he never demanded a move, just let Cashman know that he'd accept one if it made sense for the team. Well played.

Furthermore, the Doug Mientkiewicz signing is apparently imminent. I know a lot of people who are not going to take this well, but I've gotta say, I'm not against it -- it sounds like a one-year deal, not all that expensive; this is just a stop-gap until they can trade for or sign someone better. Hitting in a platoon might help both him and Andy Phillips (or Josh Phelps; I'm just going to refer to them both as Andy Phelps until one of them's named the starter), and I think the team's got enough offense to carry them, even if first base is the last place you want a slugging void.

Sounds like he may be a bit of a hothead; when he played for the Mets, he left town in a huff and feuding with management over his playing time. Metstrodamus (link via MetsBlog) has a fun collection of quotes from his time at Shea. My personal favorite:

"...Would I like to be in there every day? Yeah, of course. Everybody would. But that’s why it’s called a team and not the New York Mientkiewiczs."

I'd buy that team's t-shirt.

Finally, Twins fans, say hello to your replacement for Francisco Liriano: Sir Sidney Ponson! I'm so sorry.

96 Baseball Players Are Freaking the Hell Out Right Now

Brace yourselves, people:

The names and urine samples of about 100 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs three years ago can be used by government investigators in their probe of steroids in sports, a federal appeals court ruled Wednesday.

These are samples from 2003, when baseball implemented "anonymous" testing (yeah, apparently they were just kidding about that part) to investigate the depths of the steroid problem; when 96 tests came back positive, they implemented stricter testing in '04. The numbers were well below the "50%" estimate of Jose Canseco, but they're hardly insignificant -- and keep in mind these tests were 1) announced months in advance, and 2) don't catch HGH.

Anyway, if these names are leaked, and at this point I can only assume they will be, it looks like we're all in for another bracing round of disillusionment. The information ought to help efforts to evaluate the true impact of steroids on the game, but I do worry that this whole thing is beginning to take on the air of a witch hunt.

Yeah... That Headline Is Unfortunate Now

So I have a piece in the Voice this week on the Rangers... when I filed it, last Thursday morning, they had just lost three games in a row after a five game winning streak; I took a relatively positive tack about how the team has regained respectability in the last two years.

Now, of course, they've lost SIX straight and are in full-on panic mode. Oops.

Still, I'm standing by it -- they're only three points out of first, and they still have a solid shot at making the playoffs, if not going very far. I mean... you know... assuming they ever win another game.

Okay, apologies to the 98% of you who don't care about hockey. Nate Silver over at Baseball Prospectus thinks the Yankees might want to hang on to Randy Johnson. Now, when the BP guys talk I listen, because they're smarter than me; but in this case I just can't see it. Whether or not a trade would mean that Barry Zito comes into play, I don't know; I say they should use any prospects they get back to make a play for Dontrelle Willis who, despite his recent troubles with the law, is an awesome pitcher with an outsize personality who would absolutely own New York. Plus, if he lived here... he could just take a cab home.

There Is A Santa Clause

According to various reports, the Yankees are talking to the Diamondbacks about trading Randy Johnson. This would be, if Brian Cashman can pull it of, a flat-out brilliant move. Johnson hasn't been terrible, just thoroughly mediocre; with all due respect to his remarkable Hall of Fame career, he's now 43 and coming off back surgery. And yeah, he had 17 wins last year, but that's a hugely misleading stat when you consider that Johnson LED THE MAJORS in run support, with 7.51. Even Sidney Ponson could have won his share with that kind of support. Johnson's not exactly spreading sunshine around the clubhouse, either. Some of the New York Giants beat writers have taken to calling Michael Strahan The Big Grumpy... man, I wish I'd thought of that phrase myself.

If the Yankees can get back just a few decent pitching prospects, this is the move of the year -- even if you have to kind of suspect that Johnson will come back to win the Cy Young out of spite.

Oh, and -- Happy Holidays, people.

(EDITED TO ADD: the Padres, Dodgers, and Angels are also said to be interested. I... don't understand. Does $16 million just not seem like much with the current salary explosion? Heck, as much as I mock him, I'd take Gil Meche and his $11 million over Johnson next year; he'll never be as good as Johnson can be, of course, but also his spine far less likely to burst into flames and explode on the mound.)

Please Don't Take My Melky Away

You know, looking at the issue rationally, I can see why the Yankees might want to trade Melky Cabrera. He's shaping up to be a very good all-around player, but it's hard to argue he should get playing time over Abreu, Damon, or Matsui, all of whom are superior hitters, and he's better than you need your fourth outfielder to be. His value is high after a surprising and exciting rookie year, and the Yankees need pitching, not offense.

That said, much of what I enjoy about baseball is not particularly rational. Watching Melky Cabrera emerge as a real major leaguer, getting better almost every game, was probably the single most enjoyable thing about last season. He made one spectacular catch and many very good ones, found his home run stroke, and played a major role in keeping the team afloat when two of their superstars went down (not to denigrate Terrence Long's many contributions, of course). So yeah, Mike Gonzalez could be useful. But come on. Can't they let me enjoy one lousy feel-good story?

Plus, if they do this, Robinson Cano is going cry. Seriously. Just don't.

[UPDATE: I have re-channeled my Knicks rant into a (hopefully) more coherent piece on the Voice website. Incidentally, I can't believe they just beat Utah in a great game. Never a dull moment, is there?]

Dare You To Say His Name Five Times in Front of a Mirror

According to Newsday, the Yankees are looking into Doug Mientkiewicz as part of a platoon (with Andy Phillips or maybe Josh Phelps) at first base. Several things about this: first, you know you've been paying too much attention to baseball when you can spell Mientkiewicz correctly on the first try. Second, the headline to this story provokes disturbing mental images: "Mientkiewicz's Leather Goods" sounds like the East Village's most terrifying sex shop.

Moving quickly on, I like this idea because Doug M., while not much of a hitter, plays very solid defense -- at least that's my recollection from watching him with the Sox several years ago. He's been injured a bunch the last few years, so it's hard to evaluate his numbers, and he is a risk. But if they can get him relatively cheap (whatever that means in this market) I think it makes sense. With the Yankees' lineup, they can afford to carry some glove guys; and Giambi, though to his credit he always wants to play the field, should probably be saved from himself.

Stay Classy, Greater Tampa Bay-St. Petersberg Area

The Devil Rays, now officially reeking of desperation, will play a series with the Texas Rangers next summer at Disney World. According to the SI.com article,

"We hope these games whet the appetite of fans from Central Florida and they'll take us up on our offer to come sample Rays baseball and our fan experience at Tropicana Field," Devil Rays president Matt Silverman said.

Hey, Matt, you know what might make fans take you up on your "offer to come sample Rays baseball"? WINNING MORE THAN 61 GAMES. Also, perhaps investing something beyond pocket change into your team, thereby attracting a pitcher more impressive than the mighty Casey Fossum, would be of some help. Given the team's status as a perpetual punchline, I'm amazed they even managed to draw 16,000 fans a game.

Last year at this time they were wondering if changing the name of the Devil Rays to something a little less Satanic might help attendance. For fuck's sake, it's been 10 years and the team has never even sniffed a winning record; get your heads out of your collective asses before your team is mercifully contracted.

Thank you.

P.S. FieldTurf sucks.

Much Ado Etc.

The Red Sox, Matsuzaka and Boras (does anyone else keep typing "Borat" by accident, or is that just me?) seem to have come to terms after all. Man... I knew I shouldn't have bought into the negotiating hype, and I held out for weeks, but last night I finally caved; I'm ashamed of myself. I will take revenge the only way I know how by refusing to ever, as long as I live, refer to Matsuzaka as "D-Mat," no matter how much Scott Boras wants me to.

If SI's Jon Heyman is right, it's in the neighborhood of $52 million for six years. We are now living in a world where my first thought when looking at those numbers is, "oh, that's reasonable."

Meanwhile, in thrilling Yankee news, the team didn't tender Aaron Guiel a contract by the non-tender deadline... I know it's hard, but try to contain your passionate feelings on the subject. Brian Cashman's been awfully quiet recently, hasn't he? Is this the part where we suddenly look around and go, "hey, why have all the birds stopped singing?" and then gasp in shock as they trade A-Rod, or something?

Alternately, perhaps Cashman's just been laughing too hard over Gil Meche's $55 million five year deal to use the telephone coherently.

Nick Greeen: NOT a Scott Boras Client

It may be good news for the Yankees, but I still don't like what appears to be the looming bungling of the Matsuzaka signing -- I can't stand Scott Boras, even when it's the Sox he's trying to screw over. Of course being unscrupulous, creepy, and manipulative is par for the course for an agent*, but he takes it to new levels, and often, I think, it's not even in his clients' best interests. Matsuzaka wants to pitch here, the Seibu Lions want him to pitch here, and the Red Sox are willing to pay him a lot of money to pitch here. I want to see that gyroball of his in HDTV at my neighborhood sports bar; and then I want Hideki Matsui to knock it out of Fenway. Why does this have to be so difficult?

As usual, Buster Olney has an insightful take on the Boras situation; I wholeheartedly agree. Ken Rosenthal at Fox says the deal will get done, but Peter Gammons does not seem so sure.

Meanwhile, Jack Curry's article in the Times yesterday focused on erstwhile Yankee back-up 3B Nick Green, who showed up at the Winter Meetings looking for work -- and on the same day as Barry Bonds, no less. Hey, say what you want about Green's offensive prowess, but there's absolutely no way the dude is on steroids; in fact the article almost makes you wish he would start juicing. First, his own agent is spouting the baseball version of "Attractive? Well, she's got a great personality":

“The one thing we wanted to get across is that Nick is obviously a very strong character guy,” O’Connell said. “Obviously, talent is No. 1 when teams are making decisions. But makeup is important, too, and that’s something we wanted to show teams about Nick.”

...“I’m not begging for a job,” Green said. “I didn’t want to seen as a guy just begging for a job.”

To add insult to injury, Green then went out to a nightclub with our old pal Jim Leyritz, where he was turned away for wearing sneakers. No, really. Will somebody please for the love of God hire this guy? I know he can't hit, but he can field, he comes cheap, and this is excruciating.

Finally, non-baseball-related thoughts on MSG's 50 Greatest Moments show, which between the Knicks and the Rangers I've seen altogether too many promos for: first, Matthew Modine's new mustache makes him look like a child molester; and second, if I hear that Tyrone Wells Dream Like New York song one more fucking time, I'm either going to embark on a brutal murderous rampage or download it from iTunes. I honestly don't know which.

*Full disclosure: I used to work at a talent agency and, yes, I'm still bitter.

Update: Soxaholix quite rightly points out that while everyone assumes Boras is responsible for masterminding this mess, there's no particular reason to assume Matsuzaka himself isn't behind him every step of the way.