Think of the Children

So I see (via Deadspin and Batgirl) that the Twins are having Joe Mauer Sideburn Night, when they will give out replicas of, yes, their catcher's sideburns. This is obviously a totally awesome idea, which makes me like the Twins even more than I already did, and my first thought was that the Yankees should do this with Don Mattingly’s moustache.

A while back, a friend of mine was sitting in a hospital waiting room, watching the Yankees game. He was having trouble breathing because of what turned out later to be a collapsed lung (“spontaneous pneumothorax”), but when he sent me a text message he didn’t mention where he was or why. He just said, “Don Mattingly shaved his moustache?!?”

This was my reaction, too, last season when I first saw that shockingly naked upper lip (the ‘stache has come and gone capriciously over the last few years). Don Mattingly should realize that that moustache does not belong to him alone. It was an integral part of my childhood, and that of millions of other children of the 80s; its absence provokes the same kind of ache I felt when the house I grew up in was sold. Not only can you never go home again, but even the facial hair you assumed you could always count on won’t always be there for you.

My friend’s lung has since healed… but the pain of Donnie Baseball’s missing moustache remains. Come on, Donnie. Do what’s right. Don’t make me start an internet petition.